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Sunday, October 23, 2005

[ MOVING!]

someone whose memory worth throwing away...

and just because,

I'M MOVIN'!

Http://inksmears.blogspot.com

Yeaba. Better change those links. NOW.

Friday, August 05, 2005

[ Cheeeeeeeeeeesy.]

I am a secret fan of romance. I may not seem like such a type but yes, truthfully speaking, I am one heck of a hopeless romantic. Yeah, yeah, I watch those sad and cheesy koreanovelas, I hug myself in giddiness under the sheets while watching uber cheesy movies, I smile and imagine myself with someone when I read Coelho and Marquez...ahhh now I'm busted.

The reason why this issue came up all of a sudden was because of the Maalaala Mo Kaya episode on Judy Ann and (my first showbiz crush) Ryan Agoncillo. Corny as it may seem but I kinda liked the screenplay though it was SO reminiscent of Coelho's Eleven Minutes minus the OTHER stuff. :D

And I just don't know...I suddenly switched to reflective mode. I always tell myself that I have no room for such cheesiness but somehow the episode struck me in the gut. I always convince myself that it's not nice to anticipate "the moment," "the person," "that special first date with the ONE," and yet my emotions got so driven by the situation on screen that I ended up remembering two unfortunate events in my life wherein I fell for Cupid's plan.

Argh...it just feels soooo uncomfortable to reveal that yeah right...I do think of "what may happen and how."

Bottomline: Yup, I am one of those who still seek for that "one true love," that "one special moment."

It hurts to think that I have fallen twice (and hard at that) before and regret that I hadn't made a move to REALLY show I hurt. I usually tell people my emotions so easily but it's hard to let the ball burst within. I can't still seem to comfortably cry about my lovelife woes to others; it's actually me, my tears and my bed. In school, I become sooo different, I wear too many masks, I smile a lot but when my head touches the pillow, all my tears fall out. It may sound as a complete exaggeration but half of it gets drenched (well the covers do and some part of the cushion).

What I'm revealing right now was actually obvious only to VERY close and intimate friends. Sometimes people would suddenly notice that I can be so excruciatingly silent at times and when asked, I go with the usual masquerade of smiling and giving alibis that I am actually in deep thought of the lessons I'm gonna study well in fact a thought so painful had passed by and my insides are nearing pressure limit.

When I do feel that I need to cry and I am in the presence of people I am acquainted with but not THAT close, I find a relief zone like the nearest CR and silently let it all out, cautious that I need not to cry too much as it would be noticeable. I then supress everything by being extraordinarily giddy only to resume the senti moment when I get home.

Fun, noh...I am one big discreet sentimental freako?

Probably that's why I become "sooo emo" in poetry and short stories. On the other hand, despite the screeching emotional overdrive, I remain one optimist. Weird but that's just me. I got to learn how to "release" it all and feel so calm.

That is IF I can.

Heh even though I would like to, some resistance in me takes over my emotions and I end up conveying to others my sick situation in an effortless and bland manner.

Well on the lovelife part, guess it's gonna remain stagnant for a long time. To tell you frankly, I am still not over some parts of the past and wounds remain fresh despite the bandage that covers them. I still get teary-eyed when I pass by the AYALA-MRT station almost everyday (especially when I go up the escalator...man I feel like a rat is nibbling on my insides upon passing the ticket booth), I still tremble slightly (but try to be unfazed) when I open up my cabinet for fixing and chance upon one small box of post-its and letters...

I know someday, I am gonna find "the one." The one who would (i hope so) not hurt me too much and instead accept and love me inspite of me and not just because of me. Yes, I am one hopeless romantic; hopeless but not desperate. I believe that too much anticipation, too much complaints, too much "why me's" are desperate attempts to be in a relationship. It's more fun to take life nice and slow, minus the hopeless sarcasm and self-blame each and every friggin' time.

All I'm asking the Lord now is to help me heal the wounds of the past that I may get on life without the regrets and "what if's."

I am praying too to altogether forget the feeling that I liked this one person before. Ack...I get sick when I remember; I get sicker when I am reminded of by someone else.

But hey, I can't hide that I got hurt, can I?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

[ Mwahaha.]

I actually made a very, very long post yesterday, risking my chances of getting caught in updating my journal. My dad just bans me from going to different sites! Argh. But I do understand why (haaay...yeah...i always do); he hates when viruses and trojans invade the pc (which i think i am accountable for by around 40%).

And so going back.

I'm happy; I'm swelling with joy. I am actually bouncing back from a very long hiatus in the academic department. Ms. Paraso's advices really work. I actually consulted her, our school psychologist, regarding stress management and course dislike. I explained that I am in the process of taking 3 tablets of anti-stress pills everyday and that at one point, I had succumed to the third level stress wherein I had puked because of worse migraines, back aches and malaise. I also consulted her regarding the problem that ate me up since the start--disliking nursing. The conversation turned out to be a blast. I was able to point out the dents in the road I am treading and I was finally snapped back to my senses. Turned out that I stressed myself too much into liking something I really never wanted but pursued anyhow. It's not that I am planning to shift courses or transfer schools; I think I just need enough motivation to continue. I have not intentions to stop what I've started; Once I have started something, whether it was given to me by force or it was in accordance to my will, I do not end up midway because of dismay. So I'm still going to continue the course and simply live with the dream that someday I'm not going to be stuck insterting IV's and accomplishing TRP charts; I'm going to live my life using my gift of gab to win legal cases. And I mean that. If not in the legal profession, maybe as a clinical researcher, clinical instructor or forensic expert. As long as I'd have an outlet to use my mouth and writing skills.

The week's a big gift to me by God. I consecutively got high quiz scores and my performance is going a notch higher. I also feel better now compared to the previous weeks. It's just a pity I hadn't started it out right because it's barely a week more before the midterms. But hey, it's not yet too late! If ever I'd not get a 1.25 just like I initially planned, I know I had done my best thought it took me weeks to realize my worth. =) I think the accomplishments are getting way past my sanity; I've got to place my feet parallel to the ground, touching the earth where I was made from. Naks...there goes my philosophical musing.

This week was nice alright but I also had my shares of tear-wasting incidents. One was actually too personal to mention. All I can say is that it just sooo hurts if someone you love finds someone else when you want him back. It just damn hurts. And though I try to brush it off, it only goes away temporarily. Each time I woke up, I cheerfully reminded myself that it's a new day amidst the motes at the sides of my eyes from the fresh tears of last night. But really, it's all in the deeper seat of my emotions, supressed until the pressure is unbearable to contain.

Argh...so emoh...!

Anyway, because of that depressing revelation, I once again messed up with my hair...in a good way. I got a perm and I've been receiving feedbacks that it oh so looks good on me than my previous straight hair. I actually did it for practical and emotional reasons. For the emotional part...nevermind. On the other hand, for practical reasons, I did that to lessen my time to fix my hair each waking moment. Besides, I've got skills lab and that dang subject requires us to put our hair up in a bun. I figured out that if I'd get my hair fixed and relaxed again, it would be useless to do so (unless if i am open to the idea of having a bad hair day everyday until i chop it off...and who wants one?). If I'd get a perm,I argued, I can still put my hair on a pony and tie it the way i want it. I simply love my hair now. I feel so carefree! :)

Speaking of emo, due to the influence of friends, I'm currently into that genre. Bands under it are just so profound! They remind my of the cynical Edgar Allan Poe who had influenced my writing style a lot---dark, tear-jerking...a pinch on the heart. I am actually scouting for more cds to add up to my growing collection. I actually want to go to Recto as the cds there are soo cheap at 25 bucks per cd. Pirated at its best! And who in his sane mind would buy a 425 peso cd nowadays? The rich maybe...but for I and the rest of the population who are experiencing the sick situation of the economy due to the looooooooooooong bickering of public officials over power and fame, I'd rather spend that on an eat all you can buffet or school books.

Now, I can't live without music. At the moment actually, I am listenin' to Soapdish. They may not be profound like what I usually scout for when I add a band to the "love" list but for an OPM band, they sound okay. The industry needs people like them. I just so hate singers that adopt the songs of others (well with the exception of nina... i like her because of her vocals) and do endless remakes to be noticed. I also haaaate singers who do not write their own songs. I mean, one could see the sincerity if the singer wrote the song himself/herself. It's like looking at genuine gold, being mesmerized by the glimmer. Projecting an image because of other people's ingenuity is so fake to me. Well, my 2 cents but performers as such are compeltely superficial--you gotta have the looks and the "birit" factor to get noticed. And it is waaaaaaaay better to listen to growls than ear-shattering "birits." Though I hate growls...you get my point. Bottomline is, music is creativity. It doesn't just depend on how you sing, how you look (ah yes...packaging!), how wide is your vocal range. Music to me is more of emotion, an intimate contact with the one who listens. To appreciate music is not to be particular of the voice but to be highly critical of what it means. That's why kudos to the writers, I admre you MORE.

Mmm...what else? Next week is midterms and I am studying doubly hard for it. I am determined to ace everything. The only downside of this week is the 100-item lab quiz/midterm dry-run tomorrow which will take a 400-page memorization of the anatomical structures down to the smalles centriole. Such fun. But really, I'd get motivated if i know the teacher's okay. argh...he isn't. And I'm glad I answered those professor evaluation forms a while ago about him. I gave him a very long, constructive negative comments. He's one arrogant worm. Argh. He's a cavity to the teeth and I'm glad he's gonna be out of school soon. Waha. I love poeple power in makati med. Works big time.

Ah and yes, one of my motivation to study is the Creative Micro 5G I'm planning to buy if i get 12000. It's actually an mp3 player, flash drive, fm radio, fm radio recorder (i can record new songs!), alarm clock, calendar, voice recorder all in one. Amazing, eh? I actually WANT it. It's practical because I can study well at school with it and I'd have to stop buying blank cds everytime.

Wish I could get one. How I wish.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

[ I was thinking...]

...if the fare hike didn't ensue, I couldn't have haggled for coins yesterday when I rode the public bus to Bicutan. That time, I was SO sure I had fifty pesos in my pocket; since I ABHOR wallets because of past traumatic losses, I placed money on my pockets, if not in a secret place in my bag. I was sure I had fifty bucks for before I had a major food trip that day I made sure I separated a spare paper money for commuting. I was also sure I had three five peso coins in my other pocket yet when I sat down in the bus and reached for both pockets, alas, I felt none graze my hands.

I PANICKED! I prayed to God silently that a good samaritan would notice my foregead perspiring and my hands rummage to every nook in my bag. I found seven pesos when the conductor was barely three seats away and though it was so SHAMEFUL on my part, I asked for three pesos.

But since nowadays I understand that every peso counts, though I KNEW and HE KNEW that he had spare, he shook his head and looked away.

DAMN THE POLITICAL SYSTEM.

I was thinking that if the country was prosperous enough, no robber could have pickpocketed the spare I had (which I assume may have occurred when everyone went on "siksikan" mode going up the bus), i could have gone home without rummaging my things and looking shamefully stupid looking for change which I obviously didn't seem to have, i could have had a three peso "donation" from my seatmate who ignored a pitiful student in dire need and i could have not asked mom to fetch me in sm-bicutan, waste 14 pesos on cellphone load, wait for 30minutes standing like a fool while waiting for mom...

ackrgh!

And now... if only i had a good country, i wouldn't have taken up Nursing which I am TRYING to and DESPERATELY TRYING TO (mind you) like and instead followed my will and took up Law. But hell...even the judicial system is crap so why proceed?

Honestly, I am proud to be Filipino but apathy is currently taking over me when people are all talking about the Gloriagate cd. I've participated in the EDSA II... now I think there will be another massive rally to unseat the president if not in EDSA near my school in Makati where traffic is starting to get the good side of me.

I actually have MORE sentiments to yack about...more complaints than praises but since I am part of the middle class crowd and peso is valuable to me as a student, I am limited to yack it here because my internet time is nearing its limit.

I am proud to be Filipino, still but not proud of the system.

To hell with the protests and calls for resignation.

At the moment, all I care for is my grumbling stomach and the THURSDAY cds.

For now, I'm out.

[ And I thought it was the best day...]

Had my debut last Saturday which turned out to be a blast during the night. Friends came over, uninvited some gatecrashed, party pooper owner almost spoiled the night, no distractions came (which was pretty swell), mishaps kept to the minimum, beer beer beer c/o my dad who turned out to be cool that night (coz when we were planning he imposed a "no alco bev to teeners" and settled for a punch), bands kept on rockin despite the party pooper owner's distracting presence (to quote, "mga walang breeding!") which seriously left me laughin at loud when no one seemed to care...

over-all i deemed it to be the best one in my life.

Not until I learned that when I returned the drum set to the Sosings, it had white bumps caused by the disorganization of the drums at the back of the Patrol. They were disappointed accorsing to Abs and Stef but I felt they weren't JUST DiSAPPOINTED. Of course, if i were in their position, I'd be stark ravin' mad. I do not want to point a finger at Emman coz he was the one who jampacked the drums and assured me it's okay to do so but Abs and Stef kept on telling me that the only fault I had was that I made them believe that the drums were safe with me.

Now I'm super guilty.

The guilt had been eating me up ever since I knew the news from Emman. My party was the best but the post-events were traumatic that 'til now I feel nervous and anxious despite the fact they told me they're gonna take care of the repairs and it's okay...I've got nothing to worry. I told tita cherry that I'd be willing to hand them some help in terms of finance but she insisted that it was okay.

What really drove the guilt down to the gut was their goodness. I'd like to cry in front of her...tell her I did MY BEST to secure them the whole night...not even leaving the band side just to see they're fine but I REALLY DID NOT expect the mishap.

After the incident, I had a lot of "if only's."

If only I insisted on returning the instruments right after use and had not agreed to return em the next day...

If only I rented instead of borrowed...

If only I saw it coming.

The event is still driving me crazy. I feel thumps in my chest each time I am reminded of a drum beat. I am actually considering the possibility of giving them a "token of appreciation" by buying a kahon instead o paying for the repairs which if I'd insist on doing so, they might get madder. Josh told me it would be a nice thing to do to appease my guilt and somehow bandage (though haphazardly) the wound I caused to their family.

I'm still feeling hard pounds at the chest area. It stops but still comes back.

Honestly, if people ask me how was my debut, I tell them it was fun with a silent hesitation. Really...it turned out to be a huge, huge nightmarish event. I'm not sure when I'd recover...I'm no sure if I'm still gonna be okay.