Hysterical Regression

MOVING!

2005-10-23T21:52:00.000+08:00

Because I like it so and because I'm sick of this site and because I'm sick of reading my old rantage and because I like my new site's name and because I believe there's still room for sanity and maturity and because I believe my past posts on my lovesickness were crap and because the person I was pertaining to was...

someone whose memory worth throwing away...

and just because,

I'M MOVIN'!

Http://inksmears.blogspot.com

Yeaba. Better change those links. NOW.

Cheeeeeeeeeeesy.

2005-08-05T00:19:00.000+08:00

I am a secret fan of romance. I may not seem like such a type but yes, truthfully speaking, I am one heck of a hopeless romantic. Yeah, yeah, I watch those sad and cheesy koreanovelas, I hug myself in giddiness under the sheets while watching uber cheesy movies, I smile and imagine myself with someone when I read Coelho and Marquez...ahhh now I'm busted.

The reason why this issue came up all of a sudden was because of the Maalaala Mo Kaya episode on Judy Ann and (my first showbiz crush) Ryan Agoncillo. Corny as it may seem but I kinda liked the screenplay though it was SO reminiscent of Coelho's Eleven Minutes minus the OTHER stuff. :D

And I just don't know...I suddenly switched to reflective mode. I always tell myself that I have no room for such cheesiness but somehow the episode struck me in the gut. I always convince myself that it's not nice to anticipate "the moment," "the person," "that special first date with the ONE," and yet my emotions got so driven by the situation on screen that I ended up remembering two unfortunate events in my life wherein I fell for Cupid's plan.

Argh...it just feels soooo uncomfortable to reveal that yeah right...I do think of "what may happen and how."

Bottomline: Yup, I am one of those who still seek for that "one true love," that "one special moment."

It hurts to think that I have fallen twice (and hard at that) before and regret that I hadn't made a move to REALLY show I hurt. I usually tell people my emotions so easily but it's hard to let the ball burst within. I can't still seem to comfortably cry about my lovelife woes to others; it's actually me, my tears and my bed. In school, I become sooo different, I wear too many masks, I smile a lot but when my head touches the pillow, all my tears fall out. It may sound as a complete exaggeration but half of it gets drenched (well the covers do and some part of the cushion).

What I'm revealing right now was actually obvious only to VERY close and intimate friends. Sometimes people would suddenly notice that I can be so excruciatingly silent at times and when asked, I go with the usual masquerade of smiling and giving alibis that I am actually in deep thought of the lessons I'm gonna study well in fact a thought so painful had passed by and my insides are nearing pressure limit.

When I do feel that I need to cry and I am in the presence of people I am acquainted with but not THAT close, I find a relief zone like the nearest CR and silently let it all out, cautious that I need not to cry too much as it would be noticeable. I then supress everything by being extraordinarily giddy only to resume the senti moment when I get home.

Fun, noh...I am one big discreet sentimental freako?

Probably that's why I become "sooo emo" in poetry and short stories. On the other hand, despite the screeching emotional overdrive, I remain one optimist. Weird but that's just me. I got to learn how to "release" it all and feel so calm.

That is IF I can.

Heh even though I would like to, some resistance in me takes over my emotions and I end up conveying to others my sick situation in an effortless and bland manner.

Well on the lovelife part, guess it's gonna remain stagnant for a long time. To tell you frankly, I am still not over some parts of the past and wounds remain fresh despite the bandage that covers them. I still get teary-eyed when I pass by the AYALA-MRT station almost everyday (especially when I go up the escalator...man I feel like a rat is nibbling on my insides upon passing the ticket booth), I still tremble slightly (but try to be unfazed) when I open up my cabinet for fixing and chance upon one small box of post-its and letters...

I know someday, I am gonna find "the one." The one who would (i hope so) not hurt me too much and instead accept and love me inspite of me and not just because of me. Yes, I am one hopeless romantic; hopeless but not desperate. I believe that too much anticipation, too much complaints, too much "why me's" are desperate attempts to be in a relationship. It's more fun to take life nice and slow, minus the hopeless sarcasm and self-blame each and every friggin' time.

All I'm asking the Lord now is to help me heal the wounds of the past that I may get on life without the regrets and "what if's."

I am praying too to altogether forget the feeling that I liked this one person before. Ack...I get sick when I remember; I get sicker when I am reminded of by someone else.

But hey, I can't hide that I got hurt, can I?

Mwahaha.

2005-08-02T02:51:00.000+08:00

I actually made a very, very long post yesterday, risking my chances of getting caught in updating my journal. My dad just bans me from going to different sites! Argh. But I do understand why (haaay...yeah...i always do); he hates when viruses and trojans invade the pc (which i think i am accountable for by around 40%).

And so going back.

I'm happy; I'm swelling with joy. I am actually bouncing back from a very long hiatus in the academic department. Ms. Paraso's advices really work. I actually consulted her, our school psychologist, regarding stress management and course dislike. I explained that I am in the process of taking 3 tablets of anti-stress pills everyday and that at one point, I had succumed to the third level stress wherein I had puked because of worse migraines, back aches and malaise. I also consulted her regarding the problem that ate me up since the start--disliking nursing. The conversation turned out to be a blast. I was able to point out the dents in the road I am treading and I was finally snapped back to my senses. Turned out that I stressed myself too much into liking something I really never wanted but pursued anyhow. It's not that I am planning to shift courses or transfer schools; I think I just need enough motivation to continue. I have not intentions to stop what I've started; Once I have started something, whether it was given to me by force or it was in accordance to my will, I do not end up midway because of dismay. So I'm still going to continue the course and simply live with the dream that someday I'm not going to be stuck insterting IV's and accomplishing TRP charts; I'm going to live my life using my gift of gab to win legal cases. And I mean that. If not in the legal profession, maybe as a clinical researcher, clinical instructor or forensic expert. As long as I'd have an outlet to use my mouth and writing skills.

The week's a big gift to me by God. I consecutively got high quiz scores and my performance is going a notch higher. I also feel better now compared to the previous weeks. It's just a pity I hadn't started it out right because it's barely a week more before the midterms. But hey, it's not yet too late! If ever I'd not get a 1.25 just like I initially planned, I know I had done my best thought it took me weeks to realize my worth. =) I think the accomplishments are getting way past my sanity; I've got to place my feet parallel to the ground, touching the earth where I was made from. Naks...there goes my philosophical musing.

This week was nice alright but I also had my shares of tear-wasting incidents. One was actually too personal to mention. All I can say is that it just sooo hurts if someone you love finds someone else when you want him back. It just damn hurts. And though I try to brush it off, it only goes away temporarily. Each time I woke up, I cheerfully reminded myself that it's a new day amidst the motes at the sides of my eyes from the fresh tears of last night. But really, it's all in the deeper seat of my emotions, supressed until the pressure is unbearable to contain.

Argh...so emoh...!

Anyway, because of that depressing revelation, I once again messed up with my hair...in a good way. I got a perm and I've been receiving feedbacks that it oh so looks good on me than my previous straight hair. I actually did it for practical and emotional reasons. For the emotional part...nevermind. On the other hand, for practical reasons, I did that to lessen my time to fix my hair each waking moment. Besides, I've got skills lab and that dang subject requires us to put our hair up in a bun. I figured out that if I'd get my hair fixed and relaxed again, it would be useless to do so (unless if i am open to the idea of having a bad hair day everyday until i chop it off...and who wants one?). If I'd get a perm,I argued, I can still put my hair on a pony and tie it the way i want it. I simply love my hair now. I feel so carefree! :)

Speaking of emo, due to the influence of friends, I'm currently into that genre. Bands under it are just so profound! They remind my of the cynical Edgar Allan Poe who had influenced my writing style a lot---dark, tear-jerking...a pinch on the heart. I am actually scouting for more cds to add up to my growing collection. I actually want to go to Recto as the cds there are soo cheap at 25 bucks per cd. Pirated at its best! And who in his sane mind would buy a 425 peso cd nowadays? The rich maybe...but for I and the rest of the population who are experiencing the sick situation of the economy due to the looooooooooooong bickering of public officials over power and fame, I'd rather spend that on an eat all you can buffet or school books.

Now, I can't live without music. At the moment actually, I am listenin' to Soapdish. They may not be profound like what I usually scout for when I add a band to the "love" list but for an OPM band, they sound okay. The industry needs people like them. I just so hate singers that adopt the songs of others (well with the exception of nina... i like her because of her vocals) and do endless remakes to be noticed. I also haaaate singers who do not write their own songs. I mean, one could see the sincerity if the singer wrote the song himself/herself. It's like looking at genuine gold, being mesmerized by the glimmer. Projecting an image because of other people's ingenuity is so fake to me. Well, my 2 cents but performers as such are compeltely superficial--you gotta have the looks and the "birit" factor to get noticed. And it is waaaaaaaay better to listen to growls than ear-shattering "birits." Though I hate growls...you get my point. Bottomline is, music is creativity. It doesn't just depend on how you sing, how you look (ah yes...packaging!), how wide is your vocal range. Music to me is more of emotion, an intimate contact with the one who listens. To appreciate music is not to be particular of the voice but to be highly critical of what it means. That's why kudos to the writers, I admre you MORE.

Mmm...what else? Next week is midterms and I am studying doubly hard for it. I am determined to ace everything. The only downside of this week is the 100-item lab quiz/midterm dry-run tomorrow which will take a 400-page memorization of the anatomical structures down to the smalles centriole. Such fun. But really, I'd get motivated if i know the teacher's okay. argh...he isn't. And I'm glad I answered those professor evaluation forms a while ago about him. I gave him a very long, constructive negative comments. He's one arrogant worm. Argh. He's a cavity to the teeth and I'm glad he's gonna be out of school soon. Waha. I love poeple power in makati med. Works big time.

Ah and yes, one of my motivation to study is the Creative Micro 5G I'm planning to buy if i get 12000. It's actually an mp3 player, flash drive, fm radio, fm radio recorder (i can record new songs!), alarm clock, calendar, voice recorder all in one. Amazing, eh? I actually WANT it. It's practical because I can study well at school with it and I'd have to stop buying blank cds everytime.

Wish I could get one. How I wish.

I was thinking...

2005-07-12T18:27:00.000+08:00

...if the fare hike didn't ensue, I couldn't have haggled for coins yesterday when I rode the public bus to Bicutan. That time, I was SO sure I had fifty pesos in my pocket; since I ABHOR wallets because of past traumatic losses, I placed money on my pockets, if not in a secret place in my bag. I was sure I had fifty bucks for before I had a major food trip that day I made sure I separated a spare paper money for commuting. I was also sure I had three five peso coins in my other pocket yet when I sat down in the bus and reached for both pockets, alas, I felt none graze my hands.

I PANICKED! I prayed to God silently that a good samaritan would notice my foregead perspiring and my hands rummage to every nook in my bag. I found seven pesos when the conductor was barely three seats away and though it was so SHAMEFUL on my part, I asked for three pesos.

But since nowadays I understand that every peso counts, though I KNEW and HE KNEW that he had spare, he shook his head and looked away.

DAMN THE POLITICAL SYSTEM.

I was thinking that if the country was prosperous enough, no robber could have pickpocketed the spare I had (which I assume may have occurred when everyone went on "siksikan" mode going up the bus), i could have gone home without rummaging my things and looking shamefully stupid looking for change which I obviously didn't seem to have, i could have had a three peso "donation" from my seatmate who ignored a pitiful student in dire need and i could have not asked mom to fetch me in sm-bicutan, waste 14 pesos on cellphone load, wait for 30minutes standing like a fool while waiting for mom...

ackrgh!

And now... if only i had a good country, i wouldn't have taken up Nursing which I am TRYING to and DESPERATELY TRYING TO (mind you) like and instead followed my will and took up Law. But hell...even the judicial system is crap so why proceed?

Honestly, I am proud to be Filipino but apathy is currently taking over me when people are all talking about the Gloriagate cd. I've participated in the EDSA II... now I think there will be another massive rally to unseat the president if not in EDSA near my school in Makati where traffic is starting to get the good side of me.

I actually have MORE sentiments to yack about...more complaints than praises but since I am part of the middle class crowd and peso is valuable to me as a student, I am limited to yack it here because my internet time is nearing its limit.

I am proud to be Filipino, still but not proud of the system.

To hell with the protests and calls for resignation.

At the moment, all I care for is my grumbling stomach and the THURSDAY cds.

For now, I'm out.

And I thought it was the best day...

2005-07-12T18:07:00.000+08:00

Had my debut last Saturday which turned out to be a blast during the night. Friends came over, uninvited some gatecrashed, party pooper owner almost spoiled the night, no distractions came (which was pretty swell), mishaps kept to the minimum, beer beer beer c/o my dad who turned out to be cool that night (coz when we were planning he imposed a "no alco bev to teeners" and settled for a punch), bands kept on rockin despite the party pooper owner's distracting presence (to quote, "mga walang breeding!") which seriously left me laughin at loud when no one seemed to care...

over-all i deemed it to be the best one in my life.

Not until I learned that when I returned the drum set to the Sosings, it had white bumps caused by the disorganization of the drums at the back of the Patrol. They were disappointed accorsing to Abs and Stef but I felt they weren't JUST DiSAPPOINTED. Of course, if i were in their position, I'd be stark ravin' mad. I do not want to point a finger at Emman coz he was the one who jampacked the drums and assured me it's okay to do so but Abs and Stef kept on telling me that the only fault I had was that I made them believe that the drums were safe with me.

Now I'm super guilty.

The guilt had been eating me up ever since I knew the news from Emman. My party was the best but the post-events were traumatic that 'til now I feel nervous and anxious despite the fact they told me they're gonna take care of the repairs and it's okay...I've got nothing to worry. I told tita cherry that I'd be willing to hand them some help in terms of finance but she insisted that it was okay.

What really drove the guilt down to the gut was their goodness. I'd like to cry in front of her...tell her I did MY BEST to secure them the whole night...not even leaving the band side just to see they're fine but I REALLY DID NOT expect the mishap.

After the incident, I had a lot of "if only's."

If only I insisted on returning the instruments right after use and had not agreed to return em the next day...

If only I rented instead of borrowed...

If only I saw it coming.

The event is still driving me crazy. I feel thumps in my chest each time I am reminded of a drum beat. I am actually considering the possibility of giving them a "token of appreciation" by buying a kahon instead o paying for the repairs which if I'd insist on doing so, they might get madder. Josh told me it would be a nice thing to do to appease my guilt and somehow bandage (though haphazardly) the wound I caused to their family.

I'm still feeling hard pounds at the chest area. It stops but still comes back.

Honestly, if people ask me how was my debut, I tell them it was fun with a silent hesitation. Really...it turned out to be a huge, huge nightmarish event. I'm not sure when I'd recover...I'm no sure if I'm still gonna be okay.

And then the anti became pro...

2005-07-05T20:03:00.000+08:00

Years before, when asked what my dream debut was, I always give the irked look coz fairy-tale-like events were just too cheesy.

And now that I'm having one, not exactly the fairy-tale cheesy stuff, I'm all...well...starry-eyed.

I'd like to consider the event on Saturday as a deviation from the traditional 18 roses, stiff semi-formal gowns; it'd be like a rock gig with 18 gifts, 18cds and 18prayers. Oha. Haha. When I actually invited guests, the first question popped was the outfit required. Of course, since it was not the usual debut, they were relieved when I told 'em it'd be just like any ordinary party.

How I wish everything will turn out okay on Saturday. Everything came soooo fast and I'm still halfway on the program planning part. I still have to borrow band instruments and amps, still have to do invitations, still have to worry if there won't be any gatecrashers and uninvited guests as I only have a 100 quota for the place and the caterer, still have to be serious in school, still have to...

argh.

Speaking of school, I'm slowly goin down. My grades are falling down fast. I need to remedy and patch everything up. =( I don't wanna disappoint my parents. =( Along with the falling grades is the falling atm amount. I withdraw too much. TOO MUCH. My life is actually in dire need of complete control! My health alongside my studies and my spending is slowly crashing too. I'd think I'd go insane and bonkers with all the paranoia!

Ah...and add to that all the little problems on the side.

I'm stressed out. Really stressed out.

I wish that everything will turn out fine on Saturday. The least things I wish won't happen and I'm keeping my fingers crossed are the guests outpour, instruments' availability, harrrrrd rain and my dad's head to explode with the possible expenses.

Finance-wise, my dad said it ain't a worry coz it's all worth it; i had been good. I tried to beg him to reconsider but he insisted. It was either a trip to Singapore or a party. I'd like to have that trip if only my birthday fell on a summer. On the other hand, it'd be more fun with people I love around.

Oh...and I'm keepin' my fingers cross that it won't turn out cheesy and that I'd be able to sing well and BE WELL (out of the pending FLU).

The STUPID issue should stop.

2005-06-24T17:42:00.000+08:00

I am beginning to dislike some people for continuously linking me with Mac. I actually didn't complain when we were classmates and they teased me non-stop. But I've got a new set of classmates now and teasing me during class hours gets me all red with irritation. Sweet asked me if there was something going on and so were my other classmates. Hell, nakakainis na ha? The fact nothing's going on and they're extending beyond the deadline's too much.

Hindi lang ako nagsasalita. I am reminding myself to become PATIENT and convince myself it's all stupidity. But if it's becoming an issue beyond the last year class and my new classmates are asking, then it's got to stop. I hate being hounded by issues that are untrue and malicious. Nakakainis. Sa harap pa ng mga C.Is. Please.

One more and I'm gonna burst, you guys are gonna be sorry for going near the brim.

I'm not being defensive; I'm being real.

--

It's the second week of classes and I am still grappling for time. A lot of people tell me that the pressure's all in my head and I need to take things carefree and lightly; even my parents tell me that I whine too much yet I am the one creating all the exaggeration. But little hard-headed I still think that I've got only 2 years to prepare for the board exam and if I'm not gonna take things seriously, I might not get the spot I want and worse (Good Lord, I pray not) fail. Fine, fine, it's a stupid reason but ever since, I never liked the idea of failure. It's not that I never accepted defeat; I just hate to see all my foundations crumble down because of neglect and happy-go-luckiness. Accepting defeat and never liking the idea of failure are two ideas with different polarities. It may suggest something negative but hey, that's just me. I don't think there's anyone who would like to fail, isn't there? But there are people who, in the midst of failure, hate to accept, recover and take on the challenge to undergo metamorphosis. You get the point.

My week's pretty swell. My first quizzes are okay, still above the median I've created between false alarm and saccharine success. I'm beginning to like RLE but I'm a little disappointed that our group performances seem lacking. I know it's partly my fault for when the chance came that I was assigned of a responsibility to handle the group, I declined and allowed to relegate myself into the background in spite of the ideas I've got to make our presentations cool. Normally, I take on the imaginary challenge to stand as leader without appointment but I guess I'm still hesitant to give in to the urge; I'm in the process of getting to know my classmates that's why. No matter how socially adaptable and socially game I am, I am still struck with the shyness sickness of being included in a new group.

I miss my I-B classmates. They've got their own lives now. They still hold a big chunk of me and I can't help but see the differences between them and my new classmates. I know that I must be unbiased for they are two different groups but…

bottomline is… I still miss them…no need to tell why.

Mom usually tells me to let go of old companionships especially in college but the old sinking feeling of loss still clings on and though I try to convince myself that we can never be together most of the time, chat about everything in between and stuff, fact remains that we're all dissolved now.

I miss Jet. She's my empathy sister and we've practically told each other the deepest and most serious problems in our lives. I still talk to her and tell her stuff but I think it’s gonna be hard to be relational in our discussions in the future. =( I've experienced reshuffling in grade school and it was hard to secure the link between me and my "kadas of the year."

I miss Fhaye and Carmie. I usually go home with them with Chelsea. Now, I've only got Chelsea. Fhaye goes with her classmates now going home and though our schedules meet, I feel that she's moved on and doesn't need me to be her going-home companion. So is Carmie. =(!! I don't know but everytime I call Fhaye on the phone we can’t seem to connect much anymore. =(

I miss Arvin. Haha. He's one of the guy classmates who knows that stinkin secret. Yuck I don't even wanna recall. I miss his effortless goofiness; one look at him makes me laugh. Wahaha…halos lahat naman yata ng One bee ganun din. I still get to IM him in Friendster but not in Yahoo. I am still in the process of getting past the firewall. Grr.

I miss Gellie. Jet tells me she's lonely sometimes. I talked to Fhaye once I knew that and I let her promise me to always go with Gel. She does, she told me. And since we seldom see each other in campus, I've got nothing to tell Arvin when he asks about her. =p

I miss Khacey. I wonder if she's got friends who would understand her and would be patient with her mood swings. I miss talking to her about hating my school and course.

I miss D.A's wackiness, I miss Fausto's cheek-pinching, I miss the hirits of Kathe and Eo. I miss the silence of Sarah, Liz, Liv and Iesa. I miss the evil laugh of Jap. I miss Ice and our lovelife whines, I miss Kat ever-plastered smile, I miss Mel's reflections, I miss Yengyeng's Korean updates, I miss Abriol's teases and kakornihan, I miss Janna's sweetness, I miss Jalu and Cess, I miss Ez and her kabibbohan, I miss Pia and her laugh, I miss tessa and edlene's name calling, I miss Jez and her BIG notebook full of notes and post its…basta lahat sila!

I get to see them sometimes and hug them when I do. =( But life's like that…surprise, surprise.

--

I've got a savings passbook and ATM in Banco de Oro. Yey. I just wish I'd see more deposits than withdrawals. I applied in the People Support Ayala Branch and I'm glad that I don't need to fall in line too long to get accommodated. I opted for the atm with name that's why I'm still gonna get it on Monday. I'm actually aiming for a deposit of 2000 a month =D.

--

I'm beginning to like nursing now. I think God placed me where I am suited---serving people. Law can wait (maybe not too). I'm pretty happy about it now and I am seeing my competence shoot up.

--

The SPURS is the 2005 NBA Champs. Wahahaha. Down to all those who tease me that they're not gonna win. They did. Nyahaha. Ginobili wasn't the NBA Finals MVP though. =(. It was a nerve-wracking game and I was thrilled that I had no classes every Fridays. I got to see it live on TV! Yay! I've actually been their fan since 2002 and my loyalty will lie with them until Ginobili's there. Hehe.

--

I now know the secret to cute curls. Buying the curling iron was a 150 down the drain. Grr. After twisting my hair for a long time, voila! Hehe…I discovered it when I removed my ribbon-bun after RLE.

--

I miss my YFC friends. I just miss them. They're the most special set of friends I have and what's nice about them is that I know that until we're old, we're still gonna be tight. Haha.

--

And now…back to the real world…which is…

My Fundamentals of Nursing book.

Bah.

Time...Time...TIME!

2005-06-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

I am a part OC, part crammer. *Bow* I make a big deal about schedules and because I sometimes fail to adhere to it coz I furnish myself too much in some subjects, I tend to cram for others.

Well that worked last year. It worked incredibly synonymous to ooh-la-la.

This sem...this year, I think I'd go insane and completely throw the cramming part to the wastebucket to be gone forever until I receive my BSN diploma.

I just have no more time for myself!!! I only actually sneaked out of my comfort zone [to blog] which was my bedroom bed full of anatamy and fundamentals of nursing books, notebooks...you get the point.

When 2nd year came, I automatically thought of excitement. FINALLY we're gone from the basics that practically made only around a micrometer of sensibility to me and we're down to the REAL competition---major pre-nursing subjects.

Upon learning that I'd get up Anatomy for the first sem, I got thrilled. I got too THRILLED, missed it too much even, that I even read in advance. Mom bugged me throughout the summer to push myself up in the dean's list even more and though I halfheartedly disagreed to her stand, I think this time I shall try and dream to clinch that top spot. That's why I totally prepped up for everything that may come---stress, terror profs, brain damaging skeds.

All along I thought I was finally gonna have a love affair with Nursing.

But it turned out that I really never had an amor for it.

I overevaluated the circumstances.

My planner now is crammed up. My set skeds were constantly interupted, making my life sooo damn miserable. For an OC like me, it feels disconcerting to know that all that you had planned are slowly falling apart.

Anatomy was harder than I thought it would be; sure, I've got the background and the drive but not the TIME. I need soo much time! I can't be convinced that I've studied [though I did...maximum is half a day] when I've never trusted I did. Weird, I know, but I'm very upset that though I would want to always be a lesson in advance for the subject, I think I can't for the lessons were discussed in such a fast-paced manner and after the first meeting a while ago I felt that all my brain cells struggled to register every bit of information in each of the slides presented by our prof.

I feel so bad that it actually shows through this post that I am badly incoherent and grammatically insensitive!

PHC...7 units...4 hours of lecture mainly sourced from the VERY geekily thick Fundamentals of Nursing book and 8 long hours of RLE/practicum. See? My social life is going down the drain. Add to that the Lab part of Anatomy where the prof is okay but AFTER ALMOST A WEEK OF CHECKING MY YAHOO E-MAIL, I GOT A LITTLE IRRITATED THAT HE FAILED TO MAIL THE SYLLABUS FOR THE COURSE INCLUDING THE LEC PART AND THE HTML FOR THE TOPIC ON MICROSCOPE THAT HE'S GONNA GIVE A QUIZ ON.

Serriously, I hate everything at the moment. Pardon the disarranged thoughts.

What else do I need to whine about? [If you hate the whining parts, buzz off from this blog please?]

Ah! The textbooks are too damn heavy that when I reach home, my lower back aches, my shoulder muscles are sore, my feet are all calluses and sores due to the shoes, my head aches because I complicate things and though I hate to I end up doing so, my eyes are involuntarily shutting down though my brain screams of one more hour to study...

argh.

I know I should take all these lightly but THIS IS WHAT I AM... The OC brainiac who silently wants to die of exhaustion and replenishes life by taking vitamins C.

I need to find a constant life...I'm gonna go crazy.

First Day Flunk. Blech.

2005-06-14T22:32:00.000+08:00

Today is first funk day and I'm miserable.

The night before, I had it all planned out; I'm gonna curl my hair and create a shocker on first day. To get the gameplan started, I went to bed early...about 12am; for an insomniac, that's a betrayal to the allegiance to night. I woke up four hours later and went to the CR for a nice, long, warm bath then proceeded to dry my hair and eat. At around 5:00 am, I got my new curling iron heated up and started curling away.

To cut the story short, I'll go to the stupid part. I sat in front of the mirror for about an hour or more, got mad at the dang curling iron and at myself for being a pathetic, vain freako who didn't know how to make the thing work, got dressed, ate a little and rushed to school only to find out my class was on a 11:00 and not 7:00.

Now, since I'm still upset about the curls that never became, I shopped for kikay stuff a while ago...ALONE... (argh....i hate shopping alone...i miss Fhaye and Carmie and their embarrassing shrieks when I can't make up my mind on what to buy)...in SM-Bicutan. To cheer me up, I bought a purple headband that I'd wear when my bangs can't just seem to cooperate, a set of purple hair clips, butterfly clips, ribbons and elastics, a purple cellphone accessory with dangling stars and a hair staightening serum slash volumizer.

But my upset haunted me home so I tried to curl my hair once more and tried different hair styles. Wahaha. I think it wasn't as nice as what Kate did to my hair for Nashing's party but it would do tomorrow.

Hah...it's your loss not mine, freak.

Anyway, I also dislike some of my classmates. One girl in my group in PHC totally shut her ears for suggestions other than hers and her first year blockmates. Argh...control freak. Now I really miss my old gang; whatever happens, you guys will still be the best blockmates I will ever have. I may be sayin' this prematurely and I may be misjudging the opportunity of having another group which MAY probably make me happy but...YOU guys are still the best blockmates.

Speaking of new classmates, I aslo had new subjects which made me realize that I was thrown in a universe that would want to puke me out. Nursing ain't for me, I realized. When I had Primary Health Care a while ago which was a feeler subject to the Nursing proper, my medical dreams went off to Arabia and buried itself to the sand. Shemai...I'm gonna study the DOH handbook? The legalities in Nursing? Argh!! That's like eating an egg raw...tolerable but awful. Yech. But I'm excited for Anatomy, however. The human anatomy had been my interest ever since I was five. I'm gonna aim for a grade higher than 1.5 for Anatomy =D.

I was supposed to have English-Technical Writing a while ago but Ms. V was out so we were dismissed early. Lovely invited me earlier to watch Madagascar in Walter but I declined. My FEET WERE KILLING ME. The ache radiated to my head and I was so worn out when I went home. I need a foot spa but my spending sprees are waaaaaaaaaaaaay too out of control.

Hay...so much for the rants. I'm off to bed. I was to write about my opinion on the Jueteng bull issue and the arroyos' hidden stinkeroo but I think I should put my phone line to rest for if my dad comes and sees me here in the net, I'm afraid I'd see the PC in pieces tomorrow with all my precious files gone with the hammer wreck.

Goodluck to my hair adventures...Goodluck to a possible bad 2nd day funk and bad hair day.

2005-06-12T22:46:00.000+08:00

Two more days before I go to school again. If I had continued my UERM application, I could have gone there instead of Makati Med. Mom and I actually filed for application late May and I was pretty much blessed when in less than a week I already got approved to take a special test and actually took one. Deciding against my school right now was too sudden; I actually didn't see the opportunity coming. I guess it was one of God's strange ideas to give me a test. Hehe. And so I passed the test and even got a schedule for interview the next day. The catch was... on the day I learned that I passed in UE was the last day of my enrolment in Makati Med! My head went on a whirl; I forced myself to discern in a flash. I wanted to get into UERM badly; I was too elated when I got the chance to talk first hand with the dean and got the chance to see her smile when she told me she's giving me a chance.

But where did I end up?

Where I think God really placed me in.

I was actually bitter that I was studyin in that school but some part of me had already accepted my fate; I can't really get what I want all the time.

And what made me decide against going to where I really wanted to go to?

It was because I think God had already answered my prayer to be able to serve as a leader in yfc in my area. I discerned that it will be much better if I stayed near my area than go far for I think God wanted me to lead my members in sb2. No kidding. I even gave up a prestigious position in the college organ just to balance my time in service and school.

Hehe.

And so here I am...still in Makati Med. Oh well.

A Hot, Swirly Summer

2005-06-01T00:12:00.000+08:00

April 29...last post...

bwaha.

Guess I got way too busy, eh?

A lot has happened the past month. As of the moment, it's officially the first week of June and the weather's pretty much the same. Dang, it's till humid. Anyway, the computer has a password that only my dad knows (coz...argh...he wants it so) so I barely updated this shizhole (and maybe will be barely updating...*cringe*). Next time, I'm gonna tell the things that made this summer one hell of a bang! As for now, I'm signin' off with a new flooble coz the other's gone bonkers and a new layout care of someone who's generous enough to lend hers through the infamous blogskins.

I kick ass. Bwaha.

monthlong...

2005-04-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

haha...tis been a month and I still haven't done the update on the bora thingy. I've been busy...YFC Chorale...CWTS summer classes...YFC SB2 Creative team handling.

Busy...stressed but I'm extraordinarily happy. I'm worry-free. I don't give much damn about that thing called "love" with the opposite sex...God loves me too much to make my agonies continue. Hehe.

I really can'y update much for I always end up dead tired every time I go home. Hah...I stayed away from this darn PC for around 2 weeks!

Guess I'll really find much time to update during school days. I'll actually have MORE time then.

For now, this blog is officially half-dead; the blogger is too much of a workaholic (in a very UNLIKELY time which is summer...haha).

I'm just happy...I wish I can until classes begin.

I wish I can...

Don't just break my walls will ya?

Teaser

2005-03-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

I'm dead tired. This post will only be a teaser of what I'd post um...tomorrow... or the next day after that perhaps.

I've had only around less than fifteen hours of sleep for ten days in a row. First, because of the darn computer (i'd rant later), second, coz I went to Boracay during the Holy Week (and as most of you know...life in Bora never ends...sleep in Bora is an obsolete thing), third, I crammed so hard before last Monday's test and for the tests a while ago.

I think I'm gonna breakdown any minute now and I still haven't washed my face.

In bora..

I caught Fonacier, Gonzales and Alvarez and persuaded them to join with me for a shot. Waaaah!

Haha yun lang...inaantok na ko eh.

Tomorrow, I have to enroll myself for the darn CWTS 2 Summer Class (DIe, die, die cwts!), go to Prudential to check up if they'd pay for it, Rush to the creative team shooting in the church afterwards and attend the Metro Manila Chorale practice at the center by 4:45.

Langya...ganda ng sked ko.

Basta...til next post. Brace yourselves. Waha.

IT matters.

2005-03-22T23:41:00.000+08:00

I lost my precious purple wallet that only lasted me for a month. Nothing important got carried away except that I have to cancel my Caritas Health Shield, reapply for the 2 school library cards and bear with the agony of losing around 3 hundred pesos that should have been used to buy the original Staind cd.

3 hundred.

It really wasn't my habit to keep wallets. I EVEN DESPISE THE IDEA OF HAVING ONE. But mom nagged me on how important it was to have a wallet and have your i.d in it and so I bought a cute purple one in ruins.

Argh.

As usual, I lost it due to sheer stupidity. SHEER stupidity...I refuse to admit it's still my fault. waha.

Nevertheless, I still bought 14 Shades of Gray. A got a little bit disappointed but...erm...the thought that I have a precious Staind CD covered some of it. Break the Silence was a lot better and I DESPISE myself for including it in those I had crushed before because I got....

insanely religious.

I now choose what I listen to. Hell yeah...I'm one heck of a conservative Catholic but I've suffered long enough...

I miss listening to loud music! :(

Fine...I've dropped Anti-Flag, Megadeath, Pantera, Slipknot, Black Sabbath from the list...I think it's okay for me not to restrict myself eh?

Buaha...I actually bought 8 cds in Makati Cinema Square a while ago. Though had a test in Biochem I went. I ended up buying Typecast (coz Emman is simply...a runaway freak...so fun), Alanis (coz my 700+ mp3 collection with her album downloads went with my insane destruction of cds years back. Hell yeah I love that girl...before she had a haircut.), Greeeeeeeeeeeen Day (waaah...I've loved it ever since and I crushed an original cd before!!! Mean me), Thousand foot Krutch (MY current OBSESSION. They're the new Jars of Clay...but JOC will still be...JOC. hehe), Enya (I miss my celtic obsession...I want it back. Celtic Music is the only genre that can make me sleep soundly for 9 hours straight. It reminds me of a nice morning in the beach alone), Norah Jones (coz I can't wait for Kate to hand me her cds. I get demanding when obessed.), Dashboard Confessional (Another obsession that I want to bring back. I crushed their first 2 albums years back and I sooooooo regret it. Argh. Ever since Nicky, my emo enthusiast friend, introduced me to their world back in 2nd year...gaaaaaah nonstop download for 2 days) and 3 Doors Down (i actually listened to seventeen days in Tower Records...takte...instant obsession).

Carmie bought Dishwalla and JOC. Mwaha. I'm gonna borrow them. Now, to complete my obsession, I need to find another Break the Cycle coz my copy's wrecked after contiuous play for 2 years everytime I sulk and cry in the corner. And...The Ataris too. Waah...save me.

And so...I also bought a skirt...a red skirt supposedly for my PE test but since plans changed, I assumed the role of a guy. The skirt's cute...180...a great steal. Loren's store in MCS is my new heaven. MCS is my new music heaven. The next time I'm gonna waste 280 bucks for an OPM cd and 425 for a foreign release is when I'm at the optimum level of obessession for a band I REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY like. So far, it's only staind. Now if the new album of Thousand Foot would be okay, I might grab the original one.

Wehe...ang gastos ko talaga.

Now, I've got...erm....few to spend in Bora. So fun. Mwaha. I think I'll just bring my classmates white sand :p.

Ah...one more thing...Carline's gonna move near our house. Waha..more jammin' sessions, eh? During vacation, I'd actually go over her place; she's gonna baptize me with Lacuna coil. Waha.

Ano pa?

I'm excited to leave tomorrow. Tita Perry made me lots of accessories. Weeha. And I want to wade in Bora's waters and forget that I'm gonna torture myself hours after the sip will arive home on Monday morn...few hours before my PE dance. I'd momentarily disapparate from dancing Samba (argh...i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate PE! Die!), studying Rizal and stuff (though i know i won't follow what I'm saying and i'd study in Bora while sightseeing...argh).

Basta!!! Bahala na!!

I did well in the exams, i think. Though I did major cramming. Waha. Not bad for someone who just leafed through the book an hour before the exams. Got 2 mistakes in Socio. Buaha. If I had studied, I could not have overlooked the item that cost me 2 points. So fun.

Mwaha.

Last thing before I buzz off...

I'm really beginning to tempt myself to strangle someone.

Takte yang Computer yan. Yun lang. Ah...I know...maybe we need to have a nursing diagnosis of powerpoint and word, dontcha think?

Takte lang.

IT matters...ewan ko nga ba bakit yan pa ang pamagat nito. Yan na lang.

Prodigal Daughter.

2005-03-13T18:02:00.000+08:00

I missed it...now I'm back. It's just so hard to come back after you've missed the action. But hey, at least I feel free. Before, I allowed myself to strictly follow the laid down rules of my religion. Then again, I thought, I can't inhibit myself from listening to what I want. And so here I am, I'm comin' back to where I started back in high school. Only that, I carefully choose now what to listen to.

Welcome back to the world of loudness, Lee-an.

Naman...si Emman at si Sam kasi eh. Haha...sabay dagdag pa si Ayeen at si Carmie. Namiss ko tuloy.

I actually just learned that Staind had released 14 Shades of Grey after Break the Cycle and I'm now dying to download the album.

Guess I'm glad that I'm officially back.

Staind - So Far Away

This is my life
It's not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I
I must be sleeping
Now that we're here
So far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
All the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive
I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today
These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before
Somebody shake me
Cause I
I must be sleeping
Now that we're here
So far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
All the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive
I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Now that we're here
So far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
All the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I 'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

And you thought I never had this...

2005-03-13T17:07:00.000+08:00

The last time I had fell in love deeply was 4 years ago when I met Francis again after years of not seeing each other. The feeling was bittersweet; the pain after was too hard to bear. I believed then in the concept that I can get hold of my ideal guy for Kiko was everything I could ever ask God for. But then when I decided to walk away, I placed an end to a fairy tale on a sour note. The very moment I walked without turning back days before his flight, I still loved him...I still would not want to let go. I had thrown an opportunity...wasted one blissful moment in my life.

For three years, I forgot. I tried to bury myself into studies and service thinking that those 2 were the best defense mechanisms against the feeling of pain.

Then he called two days after Valentines. Two phone calls that lasted only for 15 minutes each for I told him I was too busy to talk to him. On the last one, he told me that he really never entered the seminary in the US; he instead took up a pre-med course. On the last one too, he told me that he left someone so dear here in the Philippines. Yeah right...me. I tried to hold back the tears when he said his parting words after I told him that it was so damn mean of him to absent himself for three years then come back to tell me the feeling ain't over.

He still loved me.

All my walls crashed; all my masks cracked.

I was desperate to end the feeling. I told some friends about my problem and they were unanimous...why not give it a second chance? Why not try to be happy...just try if it'd work out for there's no harm if i'll do so?

The advices were convincing. Last Monday, I told them I'd call him up...find his number. I'd take him back in. It was then or never.

Then last night, I asked Joshua to advice me. I thought...why not ask a guy? I have asked too much girls and they all said one thing.

Hell...Joshua and Jan had one thing to say: leave him be for if we are meant to be, God will lead our lives towards each other no matter what.

That was during Ice's party. After hearing their advice, man, the pain was excruciating. I immediately went downstairs, sat beneath a tree, cried for a while and went up back again as if nothing had transpired.

Lee-an...queen of masks. I'm good at the game of pretension.

Now, I really don't know what I'd do. I think I'd have to wait and perhaps just concentrate on things worth paying attention to. I've paid attention to my heart too much and it's beginning leave me wretched.

This is one of the times my optimism goes so low.

I really do suck at that department and I'd gladly trade loving someone all over again over years of isolation in a desert full of snakes.

Hah...now...I'm not so sure. Others know the *other* story and I don't think I'm too brave enough to tell it here.

And who thought I never had a lovelife?

Hay, so fun.

Happy Days!

2005-02-26T08:32:00.000+08:00

Hah...and some thought I couldn't survive February! Well because of the aid of prayers and because I'm such a darn resilient freak, I rose from the ashes after sulking for the two weeks after a *blink* realization *blink*. Oh well, I'm back to normal and I asked God to give me back my boring life. It was a joyride---those weeks God gave me to experience bliss, pain and... pain. Hehe.

If I'd evaluate my whole February from a scale of 1-10, how it affected me as an individual, I'd give it an 8 coz it did...a lot. As the months pass by, I feel the burden of maturity...of adding more days to my age. I am not complainin' coz hey...I still don't wanna die..haha. It's just that time flies too fast that I would wanna stop it for a bit, enjoy the current and ride on with the waves in slo-mo. But please can it not be love again...I suck at that department. I'd rather answer a thousand algebra questions. (...there goes the nerdy me...yahoo)

Lately, I've been spending... a lot. Haha. I'm beginning to learn the joys of shopping. Even my tastes in clothing are evolving. If in high school (while no one's lookin...well except my yfc family), I was into sleeveless stuff, jeans and erm...heels, now I'm into sneakers, flat slip-ons, flipflops, jeans and t-shirts. As time goes by, mom told me that I was regressing. By this time she said, I need to appreciate showing skin...hah...nice mom eh? I unfortunately do not share her idea of such right now...I'd rather blend with the crowd.

Speaking of fashion changes, I plan to buy more skirts. Heh. And I want a pair of chucks. Lala...I just want to. I'm also buying more accessories than usual. Erm...I bought 2 watches from Market this month, a cutesy bracelet and 2 earings from Ruins yesterday, a ring from unisilver and a pair of earings also from unisilver. Dad, who came from Bora 2 weeks ago, gave me 2 cutesy bead necklaces and 3 cutesy bead bracelets. Haay...I'm beginning to get the shopping virus most women have...

I think the childish me is growin' up. Yahoo.

Mmm...there are lots of changes this month of Feb. First, I got a 1.38 ave for Midterms. Wohoo from a 1.42 to a 1.38! I am also back at service in YFC and I'm lovin my friend's company more than ever. We've got gimmicks planned, shopping in Ruins planned...yiha.

Now I hope my parents cooperate. waha.

Oh well they are actually adjusting to my growing up stage (hehe...at 17....hell yeah). They actually allowed me to go to my blockmate's debut party in San Pedro. Take note...it's a night party and they ALLOWED me. Wah...I'm overwhelmed. Flaw in that freedom is, they still won't allow me to commute. Mwaha. And I'm not allowed in sleepovers without a cause. Mwaha squared.

Heh...sometimes, I miss their nags when I stay out late. Before, my curfew was...before nightfall. Haha. Now, I just don't know if I have one. Lala. Talk about semi-independence? But I'm lovin' it. I'm lovin' the feelin' of being semi-free. Coz if mom and dad won't complain or tighten their belts even a bit, I'm gonna...

ask them to. Haha..I'm not just used! Others think that I'm...wierd. Hell yeah I am coz I value my rents too much. I want them to erm...nag me though I hate it just the same. Hahahay...just don't try to understand.

As of now, I'm just thrilled to serve in YFC again. I feel alive again. I'm back! I'm excited to go to the ILC and to the camp. Guess my excitement even affected others coz as of today, I've got TEN recruits to YFC.

Oh yeah, Lord, I'm lovin' the feelin' now.

I may have been scarred in the heart this Feb but I was tugged at the soul doubly.

Thanks Jesus, you're the best!

saved...somehow.

2005-02-18T21:22:00.000+08:00

I was almost included in the bombing for some wierd reasons I dun wanna tell here. I left the place around ten minutes if I didn't insist to Fhaye and Carmie to take the illegal side of the the bus station...at the no loading area...

But I'm thankful to God. I really am. :)

I was appointed Camp Servant for the Youth Camp! I'm gonna serve again! I'm gonna be active now in YFC!

And I thank God. :)

He blessed me this week...got high in tests...made me go on a rollercoaster ride...made me realize things.

The only thing I want to save now is my heart.

I just want to be redeemed.

...fast before it's too late.

Can I?

2005-02-13T16:24:00.000+08:00

If I can't be with you today,

Can I be with you tomorrow?

Or the next day?

Or the day after that?

Can I see through you for a fleeting second,

For I want to see your soul again?

Can I gently stroke your heart,

See if it does skip a beat for me?

Can I break just a piece of you,

And hide it beneath my palms?

Maybe that way it'd ease the pain.

Can I brush my hand against your hair while you sleep,

Find pieces of amber within the black,

This to silently say I miss you so?

Can I sit next to you when you drive away,

hold your hand momentarily and whisper:

"I'm so scared to let you go"?

Please, can I simply be the one to bade farewell,

For if not I shall be surely blinded by the pain?

Can I be the one to shed the first tears,

For if not I may breakdown, I may be insane?

Can I walk away without you knowing?

Disintegrate?

Blend with the morning dew?

For I know that when yonder breaks,

That time I shall clearly see your face,

I won't stop from fallin'...

I'd take the risk of loving you.

2005-02-08T08:32:00.000+08:00

I think that it's no secret that I hide a secret blog (or is it?). Mwaha...not lucid enough? I find it necessary, you see. I think that it was stupid for me to broadcast this blog to the people I know coz instead of letting all my feelings out completely, I was forced to be selective in my entries.

Yes, this ain't all.

There are still issues going on in this hypothalamus of mine...such as feelings of jealousy, repressed anger that is often masked by euphemisms, ponderings so silly that others might be alarmed that someone wierd as me exists (or do any of them even think that ever since, I was a psychological outcast?), heart issues that are often hidden from everybody...even to those who think I've told them all (oh yeah...I leave the juiciest parts for me to wallow in...which makes me so hypocrite. Heh...and whoever thought I never had a lovelife? It may be 0 but it's a round off figure...the exact one's 0.4...lala...mwaha!), pessimistic tendencies that may shock the world (okay I'm exaggerating...who cares?) and just basically "me" behind the veil...

me without anything...

the naked truth.

And I can't just let it all out here in this portal. I can tell the typical day and pi figure of what I feel and maybe that alone.
So now...you're curious what the linky is. Bwaha...since it's secret...
you get my point.

I may only tell the link to one person. Tadaaa...and I also won't tell who she is.
Hah...guess!

But still do continue readin' the stuff posted here. :) I'm still not gonna neglect this "public" journal for the sake of those friends who would wanna know what has been happening to this neurotic and those who would wanna check if I'm still intact.
---
College Week.

Nice.
Especially Sunday morn.
Uber nice.
I went as if I had nothing good enough to do after I learned that I was considered absent for the day due to late registration. I rationalized my stand of misinformation to the batch adviser Ms. V.
I actually reached school 5:48 am completely haggard due to the rush mom and I did when we learned that a registration was going on at classroom 1 and 'twas was goin' to last at quarter to 6... exactly fifteen minutes before the walkathon started.
It actually didn't even start on time, whaddaheck! And so when I went in and found the reg girls leaving, I knew it was too late.

Grr.

I immediately hunted for people who were also misinformed and when I did, I rushed to Mrs. B and aired my side.
Now, Sam's accountable for all this as explained to me by Ms. V but the matter would only be taken into consideration after the college week.
And so I'm gonna have to wait until further notice.

I don't wanna be absent!

Had I known there was a registration the day before, at all cost I should've done all measures to wake up at the sound of the bell---even instruct my maid to pour a bucket of cold water to my face. Now since I was only informed at around 5:00-5:15 am, the time I was actually preparing, I came late.

And so... heh...technically, still not my fault.
----
The Walkathon.

I walked from Makati Med to Makati Park, even passing the PASIG RIVER and the road with all those billboards such as the cutesy Gingersnaps and the grossawful Geoff Eigenmann Human ad. I really dunno what part of M. Mla was that but upon seeing those bboards... (bboards are my guiding stuff to know whether I'm far from home or near)...

My foot hurts. (Notice the sudden change? Just don't wanna rant about it coz I was actually sacrificin' the pain in my legs for the poor victims of Infanta...seriously)

But that day was kinda...uhm...relieving. I told KC the story of my first official heartbreak which I don't wanna recall and type in this blog. :) I told KC my musings about relationships...the real reason why I think I'm indulging in my studies than on my personal self...that aside from my drive to achieve, there was one ultimate reason and that was because I would want to concentrate on something that would veer me away from potential rel. starters. Heh...maybe that is why no one would dare for just like what a guy friend honestly told me, I was too much of an achiever that it intimidates others to even approach and talk to me. I was known as the girl who's got no time for anything 'cept her studies...which I am entirely not. I am actually just a typical girl whose problem is that she sets her eyes to an ideal image of what can never be hers...who sees the other specie to be so narrow...who expects someone as good as her first official heartbreaker but realizes in a haze that she can't possibly get everything.Well maybe someday...someday when it is time. God may love me too much that He's reserving the best...(hehe...)

Haha...that entry was supposed to be for the secret journal but anyway, at least you all know now.

I'm human too...I regret...I wish...I hurt...
----
The marriage booth and the ass-kicking immunity

I got an immunity from the jail booth yesterday coz I was in the games committee particularly in the marriage booth committee. It was fun to see people being set up and forced to do something such as joining the havoc of handcuffing, jeers, public humiliation...

fun.

Good thing nothing happened to me. I made Fausto, Mark and Arvin promise that they won't set me up. Heh...good thing they didn't make any drastic move or else hell will break loose. I can take all the jeers but setting me up for real in front of a lot of people is a suicide attempt on my feelings. I can go far as strangling (indirect statement! haha) the person who would...I can, oh yeah...I'm not that goody-goody when emotional abuse happens.

And so highlight of the day? Kat and Mark got "married." yihee. Best wishes! Mwahaha...at least the jeers connecting me to Mark's all over thank goodness. I can now live peacefully inside the corners of the classroom...well, maybe.

Not so highlight of the day?

I got so freaking tired for I was such a nice committee member (sarcasm to someone). Oh yeah...but that's all over. At least I DIDN'T leave at the last half of it to HANG out with my friends, eh?

Musing of the day?

I just don't get people who don't adhere with the dress code. Just simply can't. I mean, please for goodness' sake, the affair wasn't a fashion show neither was it a flirting event. Well, I know I can't push my conservative ideals but I can rant about it here, eh? Yeah, yeah...I'm starting to be preachy but...argh...I just wanna let it out. Maybe I just gotta understand that part of life's circle are the ones who scream, "hey..the spotlight please?" and those who are alarmed that there is a factual statement regarding the ratio of 1 guy to 4 girls in this age.

Just please don't overdo. Simplicity is the key. :)
----
To someone out there beneath the pale moonlight...
I just can't simply decode you. You come and go and then show up out of nowhere only to go again. I'm not some rag doll you play, you...you...whaddaheck. Heh..nah I ain't mad...
I'm just simply confused.
I have been conversing and decoding and understanding your species but you're some specimen I can't keep my focus on. Do I need to switch into the oil immersion adjustment? 100x resolution would be uber nice.
Do I really need to see your nucleus? Heh..as if I can...you're too...uh.......

passive?

Whatever. All I wanted was for you not to be err... stiff like that when I'm around coz it makes me think that I am such a bad friend.
Nevertheless...if you want it that way, fine but play it fair.
I'm still gonna be you're friend.
----
For YOU...
I just knew... I loved you all along. But you're mist now... and I'm a rag doll on the corner waiting for someone to wish me to life.
It can't be you...
Shall never be you even in my wildest dreams...
and that's why I hurt.
You belong to Someone Who is largely more powerful and important than I am.
It should've been you but I moved away...
and that's why I regret.
But what can I do?
I was a coward to be real.
I was too hurt that I automatically decided to turn my back, fight the tears, fend you off thinking it will be for the better...
and part of me feels relieved that after a shaky world with me, you're physically and spritually fine.
Emotionally?
I doubt it.
I saved all your e-mails and I read them whenever I can, thinking what you might be doing and what you might have felt the moment you weaved all those words.
I still know we're both not over. I can feel it though you're miles away.
Everytime I hear music, the notes melodiously bring me to the memory of you.
Everytime I see couples walking, I think of the times you'd kiss my hand.

I am still living in the world I physically left when I told you that I never wanted to see you nor hear from you again.

My soul's still lurking within that concocted world...trapped.

But what can I do? I can't wish you back...I had given you up and I'll stay true to what I had done.

'Tis been three years...

and no matter what happens to each of us, for sure you're someone I shall keep.
Though you're no longer miscible to me.

Best I'll Ever Be
-Sister Hazel

"Oh I miss you,
I miss being overwhelmed by you.
And I need rescue
I think I'm fading away.
But I keep thinking
that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear...
I keep hopin' that you'll sneak in my room.

So I wait and I wait
And I run old scenes through my tired head
Of the days we laid by the school and said forever
Was that the best I'll ever be.

I miss youI miss talking all night long with you
And I need this to find a way to your home
My love can you hear me
Have I been hoping loud enough, wishing hard enough
Can you see me when I'm asleep all alone - alone

So I wait and I wait
And I run myself in the same old circles
I sit and I stare
And I run old scenes through my tired head
Of the days that we laid by the school and said forever
Was that the best I'll ever be

Can't keep my hands from shaking
Stumbling through the wreckage again
But you're gone

So I wait and I wait
And I run myself in the same old circles
And I sit and I stare
And I run old scenes through my tired head
Of the days that we laid on our backs and said forever
Was that the best I'll ever be
Was that the best I'll ever be
Was that the best I'll ever be."

switch

2005-01-29T10:08:00.000+08:00

Haha.

Natatawa ako sa ka-dramahan ko sa post bago nito. Haha talaga. Ewan. Minsan, di ko na maintindihan kung saksakan ako ng ka-dramahan o sadyang masayahing baliw lang talaga ako. Ewan talaga. Sa totoo lang, di ko minsan maintindihan ang sarili ko. Wahaha na lang. Wala na talaga akong pag-asang tumino.

Pero lahat ng sinabi ko, totoo lahat yun. Bigla bigla ko lang naramdaman ang malakas na hampas ng realidad kaya't nang naisipan kong ilabas lahat, nagmistulang nabagsakan ako ng kalawakan.

Haha talaga. Ewan.

-----

Eskwela

Masaya ako. Sobrang saya. Wahoo. Wala pa akong nakukuhang line of 8 sa midterm exams. Mwaha talaga.

Hah...nakaganti na ako. Bwahaha.

Kay P.M

Tamaan ka sana ng kidlat sa mga panlolokong ginagawa mo sa mga babae. Makakarma ka rin. Ang yabang mo. Yun lang. As if mababasa mo 'to diba? At kung mababasa mo nga...

Welcome. *ngiting hanggang tenga. mwaha*

Kay Mmm

Isa ka pa. Ewan ko ba sayo anlabo mo. Labo! Labo! Labo! Kung ayaw mo, bahala ka...malas mo.

CWTS 1

Dati, akala ko napakasama ng mga estudyanteng nagbabalewala nito...

Ngayon, karangalan ang mapasama sa mga estudyanteng iyon.

Panira ng grade.

College Week

excited na ko.

Ay, hindi pala.

Kasama kasi ako sa isang walang kakwenta-kwentang quiz bee.

Pa'no...ang mga lalabas ay mga napag-aralan mula unang sem hanggang ngayon.

Ano yun? Sukatan kung gaano ka katindi magmemorya ng mga napag-aralan? Mas masaya siguro kung "general info" diba?

Nagsisisi ako.

Wala lang...

Halata bang ang "toxic" ko ngayon?

Masanay ka na.

Hindi Maintindihan...

2005-01-20T19:33:00.000+08:00

Matagal-tagal ko na ring pinag-isipan kung bakit...

Bakit nga ba?

Dahil ba napangunahan ako ng takot?
Dahil ba sadyang duwag ako?
Dahil ba wala talaga akong magagawa kung ganoon nga kasakit ang realidad?

Sa tuwing titingin ako sa labas ng bintana, naiinis akong pagmasdan kung bakit hindi man lang naisip ng araw na nayayamot na ako sa kanya.

Pwede ba? Sana lang...

Kahit isang patak ng ulan.

Baka sa ganoon, mapawi ang pag-aalinlangan at sakit.

Sa tuwing maririnig ko din ang mga kwento-kwento habang naglalakad pauwi, lalo akong napapaisip...

Kelan nga ba?

Hanggang kelan pa?

Siguro dahil hindi ko iniisip... di hiniling kahit minsan.

Nasasaktan akong marinig na laro lamang iyon...na sa mundong ito, bihira na lamang ang tunay...ang may halaga.

Minsan, nanghihinayang ako. Pwede na sana dati...

kaso...kahit saang anggulo kong tingnan noon, hindi talaga. Kung nagawa ko man ang ka-engutang yun ay dahil na rin sa pagsunod ko sa batas ng buhay...

Kung di sayo...hindi talaga.

Pero masakit, hindi ba? Yung akala mo'y nabura mo na lahat...

Akala mo nalagyan mo na ng tuldok...

Akala mo hindi ka katulad ng ibang namamatay sa kaka-akala.

Hinaharap ko ngayon ang karma ng buhay. Babalik pala sayo lahat...ang lahat lahat. Pero ano pa ang magagawa ko kundi tanggapin? Harapin ang umaga na puno ng "akala" at "sana kasi."

Sabi ko dati...wala akong pakialam. Pero, meron, meron talaga. Tinatago ko lang singuro iyon. Minsan, kahit nandyan na, natatakot pa rin ako.

Maiintindihan mo ba?

Hindi siguro. Hindi mo naman alam, eh. Akala ng karamihan, kaya ko. Pero pareho parin ang takbo ng buhay ko...magsusuot din ako at magsusuot ng maskara...itatago ang lahat hanggang sa isang araw, tulad nito, magkakaroon na ng butas.

Kahit ako hindi ko maintindihan. Sadya talagang napaka-kumplikado ng tinatahak ko. Marami akong gusto...

hindi ko lang naisip ang pinaka-importanteng taong dapat ay inasikaso ko.

Yung taong hindi ko na nakikita dahil ang nakikita ko ay puro ginto...puro ambisyon...puro matataas na gusali't hagdanan.

Yung taong dapat nung una pa lamang ay minahal ko na at inasikaso ko na.

Yung taong nasasaktan ngayon...

ako.

That voice in my head...

2005-01-18T20:10:00.000+08:00

Sa tuwing may nangyayaring masama sa maganda at masalimuot na buhay ng isang nagngangalang Lesley R. (what the heck...pwede ba Lee-an na lang?), hindi niya maiwasan na matawa sa kanyang sarili dahil sa naririnig niyang boses na nagmumula sa magulong atmospera (teka..may salita bang ganyan?) ng kanyang cerebrum na waring nagdidikta ng ideyang salungat sa ideyang kanyang gustong pairalin sa pagkakataong yaon.

Sa makatuwid, nababaliw na yata ako.

Kanina, pagkatapos kong kumuha ng midterm sa biochem lab at pagkatapos kong pagnilaynilayan ang mga ka-engutan na nagawa ko sa pagsusulit na yun, nakaramdam ako ng matinding bigat sa loog ng dibdib ko.

Parang puputok ang puso ko sa sakit.

Ewan...ang babaw diba...midterms lang?

Alam kong mahirap unawain ang isang mababaw na nilalang katulad ko.Alam ko namang kakaunti lamang ang nagkakaroon ng pasensyang sabayan ang daloy ng buhay kong taliwas sa normalidad (teka...isa pa...meron ba niyan?) ng daloy ng buhay sa paligid.

Pero hindi...pangarap ko ang nadungisan ng ka-engutan ko kaninang lab. Siguro, kung hindi ako nilamon ng kaba at maganda ang daloy ng memorya ko kanina, siguro, maaaring nasagutan ko pa ng tama ang dalawang numero doon na nagkakahalaga ng apat na puntos.

Nag-aral ako. Hindi ba masakit na alam mong kaya mo pero dahil sa takbo ng gulong ng buhay at sa masayang katotohanan na hindi lahat ay kaya mong abutin sa isang saglit ay minabuti ng mga enerhiyang supernatural sa paligid na hindi mo makuha ang inaasam-asam mo?

Haha...talaga...ang babaw ko.

Kaya kanina, habang naglalakad at waring nilalamon ng katahimikang napapaligiran ng ingay, nagtanong ako sa Diyos...

"Bakit? Hindi ko maintindihan?"

At gaya ng dati, sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan, narinig ko ang mensahe niya sa akin.

"Hindi pa ba sapat na binayayaan kita noong nakaraang mga araw?"

Kaya heto, kahit nanghihinayang, pinipilit kong tingnan ang magandang maidudulot ng mga kasawian ko sa buhay. "Optimistic" naman talaga ako, eh. Nga lang...sa sobrang pagiging masayahin, nakakalimutan kong tama din namang malungkot paminsan-minsan.

Pero ngayon, sa totoo lang, medyo okey na ako. Masaya naman kahit papaano kasi nararamdaman kong nakabawi na ako sa Logic. Mwaha. Tsaka, so what kung hindi ako makakakuha ng perpektong marka ngayon? Maaari naman akong magtagumpay sa susunod.

Sabi nga ni Ayeen, "May finals pa naman...kaya mo yan...kaw pa?"

----------

Siguro, isa na rin sa mga rason kung bakit medyo okey na ang "mood" ko ay dahil naayos ko na rin ang kwarto ko. Bwaha. Naidikit ko sa aparador ko ang mga mensaheng puso na ibinigay sa akin ng mga kamag-aral ko nung PMSD.

Natuwa naman ako...lalo na sa sinabi ni Sarah na inspirasyon daw niya ako sa pag-aaral.

Siguro kung alam lang niya ang laki ng panghihinayang ko kanina dahil pakiramdam ko mababa ako, malulungkot siya dahil hindi yaon ang pagkakakilala niya sa akin.

Ako?

Ako si Lee-an. Hinahangaan ng marami dahil masipag akong mag-aral. Heto, nagmamaasim dahil lang sa biochem lab imbis na makuntento.

Siguro, kailangan kong matutunang makuntento. Ganito na lamang ang buhay, gusto ko pang baguhin ang takbo... yung "idealistic."

O diba...ang baliw ko talaga.

Kailangan ko talagang tingnan ang iba pang hardin ng buhay. Nakakulong lang kasi ako sa isa eh. Sabi nga ni Mariah..

"spread your wings and prepare to fly."

Siguro nga...ang laki na ng "attitude problem" ko.

O baka... tingin ko lang iyon at nasa harap ko na mismo ang solusyon...isinasampal na sa akin ng realidad.

Life oh life.

--------------

Nawiwindang ako. Midterms pero narito ako. English ang eksamen ko bukas. Pagkatapos nito, diretso aral na. Mataas na mataas man o mataas o hinde, sige na...haharapin ko na.

Marami pang pwedeng magpasaya sa akin.

Di lang tagumpay.

Di lang.

Minsan, mas masaya pa kung pinaiiyak ka ng pagkakataon. Mas "exciting."

Grabe...kailangan ko na talaga ng Psychiatrist!

-------

Off topic:

Why
Avril Lavigne

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all
Do you expect me to believe
I was the only one to fall?

I could feel I could feel you near me,
even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart
Do you expect me to believe
I'm gonna let us fall apart?

I could feel I could feel you near me,
even when you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why
It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel,
you feel I could feel I could feel you near me,
even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

Belated Happy Birthday.
I know you will never get to read this and I know it's stupid to even post it here.

It's not a crime to turn your back and move away, is it?

Guess karma does occur...

coz it did to me.

...!

2005-01-15T09:32:00.000+08:00

Madali lang 'to. Mag-aaral pa kasi ako. Midterms na. O diba nasa pc pa ako?

Kanina, nabasa ko yung post ko bago pa nito.

Ang babaw ko.

Ewan.

Minsan, hindi ko alam bakit pinangungunahan ako ng kababawan.

Siguro tama nga si Janna...makuntento na ako sa nakuha ko. Marami pa kasing mas nawawasak ang mundo kaysa sa akin.

Kaya heto...patawad. Minsan nagiging irasyonal na ako. Ewan. Ganun talaga eh.

Bakit ako nagsasalita nanaman ng kabalbalan?

Ewan ko din.

Siguro naiintindihan ko na talagang kailangan mong maranasan ang malugmok para makaangat.

Asteeg...nagFifilipino na ako. Siguro talaga hindi ko na papansinin kung bumalukotot man ang dila ko o malaman kong sadyang hindi ako ipinanganak na perpektong makakasalita ng matatas na Tagalog. Siguro talaga, may mga bagay-bagay na dapat ay hindi mo nalalaman para kapag nalaman mo na ay matutuwa ka na may nalaman kang bago.

Ewan ko talaga kung ano ang punto ng entry na 'to. Ang alam ko lang....

minsan...di maiiwasang maging irasyonal.

I reject Mr. Abreu's claim that dead people are only those who can become irrational. Maybe in a logical scope, yes...but this is reality, man.

I'm a living example of the-sometimes-irrational being.

I should really deal with the reality that I can never make anything completely perfect.

Life can't be fun without the flaws.

Oo nga pala... crush ko si Se7en, si Rain, at si Shinhwa. Waaah...ewan...lalo na si Se7en. Ang ganda ganda talaga ng mga kantang Koreano! Ang gwapo gwapo din ng mga crush ko. Nakaka-addict panuorin ang Arirang. Waaah talaga.

Pero mahal ko parin ang OPM... I mean, no culture is entirely perfect, right?

I actually bought the newest CD of Freestyle. Still the same old magic, only that the first half of the songs were not that catchy as the first cd release.

Fine...I should really be studyin' now.

Inis (squared) continued...

2005-01-12T11:18:00.000+08:00

I do not understand why I can't seem to type in pure Filipino without an irky expression on my face after reviewing the entry. I seem more comfortable with the english language for I can fully express myself and hide my extreme emotions through euphemisms.

And I hate why I cannot.

So here I am again...typing in English.

Well, maybe from time to time, I will type in Filipino. Maybe even in barok form even though I soooo find it irky to mix both languages. I just feel so plain irky. I mean, make up your mind if you'd write in English; Make up your mind if you'd want it in Filipino.

Hey, my two cents, huh?

Heh...but I would be so plastic if I'd tell I speak one language straight in everyday conversations. As much as I would want to limit myself to one, in English especially, I can't seem to do so. Maybe if I do, people will...

1. ...think you're someone trying hard to elevate yourself to a higher class. In Filipino... pa-sosyal.
2. ...think you're head contains too much water. In Filipino, ang yabang yabang mo.
3. ...think you're too ashamed of your own language. In Filipino, Pilipino ka diba? Nagpapanggap ka naman yatang Kano.

It seems to be a social stigma already; when you speak Filipino and can't even say something in English, you're uneducated...someone born on a lower class. If you speak in straight English, others will also think wrong of you.

IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT!

So what is left to do? The Taglish Way...oh yeah.

I actually admire people who know their Filipino. It makes me sick to see myself stupid when the colloquials come up in the conversation. Like yesterday, when Carmie, Fatima and I were eating and chatting at Pao Tsin, Carmie said this colloquial word that I never heard in my life and I just kept quiet.

Me: Ha? Ano yun?
Carmie: yung _____ (stupid me forgot the term...it's actually something body-related when you wat spicy food...something in the butt area? heh.) Di mo alam?
*the two laughed
Me: Hindi...ngayon lang. Kaw fatima, alam mo?
Fatima: Ako alam ko.
*Feels stupid*

My salute to those who know how to speak in fluent Filipino or in Filipino, matatas na Filipino. I am actually trying hard to speak in fluent Filipino without inserting english terms. But still...just like the rest, Barok will still be a standard everyday chatter medium.

It's not only actually the Assumptionistas who "make tusok tusok the fishballs," it's actually most of us.

So enough of the language rantage.

I REALLY HATE THE THINGS THAT HAD BEEN HAPPENING THE PAST FEW DAYS!

1.) Bah...I hate my Logic score yesterday. Most of my classmates got line of nine's and I got an 86. I mean, I would have felt better if I didn't study but the fact that I had studied hours before made me depressed. Well...yeah...I think cramming ain't good coz it'd give me the jitters. The very hindrance,I think, why I got low yesterday was because of too much tension and nervousness within. My heart thumped too hard and too fast that I could feel its beat slamming in my head. At one point, I even felt like throwing up. I hate it coz I made my tension reign over my usual calm composure...well maybe slightly calm composure during quizzes. And I also hate it coz I had a lot of stupid answers that should've been correct if only I had paid attention to the test instead of my booming head and chest. Grr! I would wanna aim high this term and this one test gave a big put down to the high hopes I invested during the previous quizzes. Imagine...you're on a winning streak then all of a sudden, a flux comes by.

Man.

I was on the verge of tears yesterday and to stop it from falling and causing so much commotion from those who do not understand where a girl who aims for excellence most of the time is coming from, I chose to use defense mechanism.

I was like a lunatic hungry for a hunt when I told people around that I'd have vengeance and kill the midterms. Boastful or not to them, hell i care, I exclaimed that whatever happens, if a hundred in the midterms is worth not sleeping or even giving up watching Arirang or Lovers in Paris (wahaha....c'mon...Lovers in Paris?) then I'd pay the price.

Yes and this is all for an 86 grade.

Kill me if you wish.

2.) Another stupidity in Biochem Lec. I would've got a line of nine but had an 89 instead. Not bad but....grrr....I still hate it. I made 2 careless mistakes and I feel awful.

3.) Biochem Lab. I kinda hate the second test...I would've gotten a 14/15 but I got a 12 instead. Why? Dang second instincts...I should've not erased the two answers and replaced 'em. Bah. Heh...but I'm a bit happy...I got a hundred in the first test. BUT I STILL HATE IT OVER-ALL.

4.) Computer was a drag. I STUDIED SO HARD DURING THE WEEKEND ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT IF I HADN'T STUDIED, I STILL WOULD HAVE ANSWERED THE TEST WITH FLYING COLORS. One-fourth of the test had questions from the previous test we had where I got high and the rest of the items were stuff that were not included in the scope of study she assigned for the quiz but I knew some because of previous learnings in high school. I am a computer info and app addict, you see and I constantly join the academic contests...so there...bah humbug. (Lesley, the new-age scrooge. Dickens must be proud.)

5.) Ayeen and I have the same rantage. I won't tell what it is here for the fear of tsimis. To simply put it, I hate the feeling of having a friend who for some absurd and irrational reasons, ignore you in person.

Cathy, if you're readin this...comment in privy. hehe...you know what I mean.

Heh...so much of the hate list. Since I'm such a nice optimistic person, I heard God spoke His message to me about the things that made me down.

On 1-4, maybe should organize my time well. I think I watch too much TV. I actually love studying...I really do. And I love the prizes that come with it. I think I should do away with cramming. It just not only stresses the hell out of me but also makes me regret the time I had not well spent. If I had been a tad more responsible with my studies, I wouldn't have "what if's" and "I hate's." I think God also would want to give me the fighting spirit for the midterms. I kinda feel that maybe if the Logic incident hadn't happened, I would have felt lazy for the midterms.

On number 5. I won't pay attention anymore. Yes oh yes, that's the circle of life...no bitterness attached. (Dedma kung dedma-Ayeen)

To save my sanity, I'm gonna buy a pair of cross earings and a moon and star ring in Unisilver later and I'd study 3 subjects today for the midterms...

...that is if it will even save me from falling down the cliff due to too much insanity.

P.S About 5 minutes ago, Mom and Dad talked and told me if I'd want to have a debut. Hah...I declined. Lesley hates formalities. Just gimme money and I'm happy. Wahoo. Dad also told me that another laptop is coming from Tito Jun...he said that if I'd be a good girl and the laptop comes, I'm gonna have the Dell laptop. Bwahaha. Yahoo.

inis (squared)

2005-01-12T01:14:00.000+08:00

Naiinis ako sa Logic.

Ang engot ko sa Lec kanina.

Dobleng engot ako nung Lab kanina.

Nakakainis...I'm locked out of my own room, still in uniform, jittery coz I wanna get my face cleaned but can't coz yeah...I'm locked out of my own room, would wanna type in matatas na Tagalog but sucks at it.

I just plainly suck today.

Inis!

2005-01-09T20:28:00.000+08:00

Naiinis na ako sa dami pa ng aking gagawin... sa dami pa ng dapat aralin.

Naiinis ako sa mga kamag-aral ko na pinili pang tambakan kami ng pagkarami-raming pagsusulit sa linggong ito kaysa magsulit na nung nakaraang linggo. Nag-aral-aral pa ko eh wala namang napuntahan yung mga pinag-aralan ko.

Grr...eh noong isang Linggo eh nagpuyat pa ako hanggang alas dos ng madaling araw para tapusin ang lahat ng dapat kong aralin tapos kinabukasan eh malalaman kong IKA-CANCEL lang ang pagsusulit para sa susunod na miting dahil sa boto ng mayorya.

Grr.

Mayorya. Kasalanan ko ba na marami sa amin ang nagsasaya pag nililipat ang quiz? Eh parang babagsakan na ako ng tsunami sa sakit ng ulo ko sa pag-aalala.

Grr.

Tapos sa susunod eh Midterms week na. Di ba sila nawiwindang sa dami ng chapters na dapat aralin?

Bukas...

Computer-Quiz (4 chapters)
-tatlong hands-on sa loob ng 1 oras.
Socio Anthro-linchak na reporting
Rizal-Quiz (5 chapters)
-report ko (na tapos na kaso ginagawa ko pa ngayon dahil dinagdagan ng maarte kong
prof.

Martes...

Biochem Lec.-Quiz (1 chapter na dapat memoryahin ang 20 amino acid bonds. BAH.)
Biochem Lab-Quiz (1 chapter na dapat last year pa kaya dinagdagan pa ng isa. Grr.)
Logic-Quiz (8 chapters...PARUSA.)

Malalagas na ang buhok ko sa kawindangan.

So help me God.

Kung napapansin nyo bigla akong nag-Filipino. Ayos ba? Ganyan ako pag inis. Dapat siguro lagi akong badtrip diba? Saya.

No need for a good title, anyway.

2005-01-01T16:11:00.000+08:00

Got 2 posts...this and the one below this.
----

I've always told my college friends how high school rocked at was a world like no other.
I've always told my college friends that no matter how much I reverse the universe, my high school classmates will never ever compare to them.
I've always told my high school friends how solid the group was.

Maybe now I can take some of the things I told them back.

Coz I feel bad about some of them.

I've told Cristi once when she called up that amidst the friction, I will remain neutral; I won't completely take sides unless provoked by a very depressing truth or a very depressing judgement of my neutrality.

I've told Cristi, a former classmate and a chum I value much, that the only thing that would make everything okay is that if acceptance of change happens.

If one classmate will see the change in Charlene, especially if it is a little bit negative, then one should rather keep shut than tell another classmate about the change and blah blah blah. I mean, let the others see for themselves. Since we've closed the book, why re-open a certain page about someone, make a sequel that has no assurance of a good ending and disseminate the written pages to the others who would rather hear that the someone is living, breathing, doing normal activities.

High school was sooooo way over and whatever attitude one had displayed in high school it must be dismissed as past. It's sick if your high school friends, who had known you for four years would judge you quickly by the way you act NOW and hastily make assumptions that may be clouded by PAST pains and PAST occurrences.

It's sick and I'm tired of hearing the same old complaints.

It's DOUBLY sick too if until now, people will stick a label that YOU'RE THIS, YOU'RE THAT, THAT'S HOW I KNEW YOU SO PERIOD.

Now, that got me thinking...

If I curled my hair, put on a bitchy face, wear clothes people are not used to see me wearing, change my attitude to a slight 45 degree angle and trot in Glorietta with high hopes of making anyone see that I've turned into a complete biatch... give it a month and they'd talk about you...how you changed so bad.

Heh...imagine me. Though I won't do all those for I'd definitely look like a martian clown, I'm still curious if I'd be the subject of phone tsismis.

I do admit that I sometimes participate in tsismis. I'm no clean person. Well in the issue, no one is. But if one tsismis will lead to the destruction of my neutrality and I'd feel that though I didn't participate I was dragged into the controversy, then of course, I'd feel awful.

Yeah...both camps do not have any right to clean their hands and act like Pilate. No one...even me. Some of you know that I'm a hypocrite. So be it. Think of me that way but I know...deep inside...I know that I had been neutral for days before I thought of typing this shizzy. I tried to but when some of you judged me of not coming to the reunion-slash-suprise party because of Cathy's influence, I'm sorry...when the pressure's great inside a tank of water, it bursts.

I kept quiet for a moment. I told myself that I'll keep mum. When I knew Jenny's side, Cristi's side and Cathy's side, I can't help but feel the affinity for one.

I mean...can anyone blame me? I'm human...cliche and sucky but true.
I'm no wise person.

Wanna know who I favored a bit?
Cathy.

For she's someone I can't judge. She may be in the plus, she may be in the minus...I don't care. I just feel bad that once again, it's her. If not Charlene, her. I mean, I don't care anymore if she did something drastic to pull everyone down.
I had hurt her a lot before and she doesn't deserve another turn back from me. I will curse myself bad.
Believe me or not, the reason I backed out was because of my cousins' plan to go to Shang. Now if you guys will also feel bad about me...fine.

Cristi...I texted you. I told you all things you need to know. You didn't answer my calls when I was trying to reach you. I was about to tell Jenny how the other party felt.
Now how am I supposed to feel? Not even one text...not even one ring.
Nothing.
Now I do not want to connect with you for I feel that my effort will be useless. I had felt bad and that's enough.

I'm open for anything.

I did my part and I don't wanna explain further. I shouldn't explain the importance of family over friends.

Now on Jenny...

Jen, I think the best way for everything to be in order is that you try to understand Charlene. She's like that. Now if you feel hurt, shrug it off and just simply be happy when you see her. Yes, the pain is still there but it's useless to bring back the old times.

About Cathy, I hope you never showed the YM printout to the innocent people when you knew that no one from the other side was there. It was not nice. Not pretty. I do not know what transpired in the convo but the fact that Denise knew about the not-so-slight slip Cathy made in the conference between you, Rox, her and Jem, made me think that you should not have told Mais some petty info that blew up in proportions.

In defense of Cathy, SHE DID NOT SPREAD THE RUMOR in Mechtilde. I know that for a fact for I never knew. Well she doesn't tell me everything due to the fact we only call each other up when I get knocked on the head but...yeah...at least the juicy parts are told.
Mais now doesn't want to talk to Cathy. Fingers are pointing at her when all she did was a not too obvious slip. Like she said, it could mean anything.

Ayn...
It's not always Jenny whose on the hot seat, it's Catherine. For years, it has mostly been her. I'm biased, yes, but you can't blame me. No one can. It's my opinion anyway.

If you guys are reading this...no offense. It's my journal...it's my feelings and I don't care what you think of me. All I know that what I had written above were feelings meant to be poured out. My journal is my outlet. Print this out if you wish...tell the rest if you wish.
There are things needed to be thrown out;
My pain is one.
This is it.
Deal with it.

To fix this all up, it's all up to you. I've got more to life than being a mediator. I've got problems of my own.

Through it all...

I'm still Lesley, the girl you knew. Yet you only knew half of what I am. Some parts of the other half, I'm showing it now in college wherein not a single of you see me whole...all my hidden sentiments...the dreams I never told anyone...the grudges that faded and reappeared...the bitchy side of me.

Only a few know this. The few I trust will never judge me just because of some party that I failed to attend.

Tamaan na ang dapat tamaan. I'm not pointing at the whole group who went.

I'll just leave you to think.

2-0-0-4

2005-01-01T15:27:00.000+08:00

2004 was a year of memories.

There was high school blues, graduation, college, [boys] (wahahaha...di nga? jowk lang...di bagay serious eh), sun cellular blahs, first times (my beloved cellphone went down the drain and my purse got into some filthy kleptomaniac)...

the rest are still in the process of being registered in long-term memory for I think I need to unclog some parts of my cerebrum in order to bring back memories.

I think I'm having REAL symptoms of Anterograde amnesia.

I can't help back but look at the year that was and feel a lil bit sad about the outcome of some events. Before the year ended, tragedy struck Asia and it was a BLESSING that the tsunami never hit the Philippines. It actually almost did but by the grace of God, we survived.

Of course, we will. God loves the Philippines. I am not implying that God is a biased God; what i mean is that of all the tragedies that came along, He was still there with His hand upon us, guiding us through the stormy seas.

My sympathy to those whose families died because of nature's wrath. It was totally unexpectable and for whatever reason this may serve, let's just all trust in Him. He may be telling us something; whatever it is, let's just all pray, have faith and continue our little works of salvation in His name.

Going back to the topic, I also felt sad because I wasn't able to pass my dream school, Ateneo. 2003 was a year of if only's. If only I had gone to the first screening on time, then I might have had a good chance to get in. But GOD steered me out of my dream, just like what I prayed He'd do---to get me out of the current when it would lead me to a waterfall.

I ended up in Makati Med, took up Nursing according to my father's wish and eventually ended up in an oasis amidst the desert-like situation of the country. I ended up in the dean's list last semester; on the fourth spot in the list in my batch.

And goodness I felt great when I did so and retained my scholarship.

2004 was a year full of surprises too.

The past few days, I had a lot of blessings. Last Dec. 28, I went out with my cousins, had an overnight at the Shang and received moolahs...lots of 'em...to be placed on the soon-to-have atm card (WHADDAHECK, yes I still don't have it. Dang dang dang).

Also, I've got new obsessions.

I lovvve Ally McBeal and I found out that I was so much like her. Bwaha. I'm not anorexic however (O...walang kokontra...payat lang talaga ako...may 2 bilbil pa nga...yikes!). I also luurve the Arirang channel, Korean sitcoms, Lovers in Paris (Carlo...waaah....nuff said), Kimchi (oh yeah...), Korean musicians...

Korean!!!

Heh...except Sandara...she's...she's... *shuts up in fear of tomatoes on her hair*

Mwahaha. I owe this to Yeng. Dude, want kimchi?

Nyaha...what else?

I've realized a lot of things.

A lot that it'd take me forever to type it all down.

---

When I was in Shang, waiting for the rest of my guy cousins to arrive, I texted Cathy. Well, we texted about stuff and one of those was my oh-too-boring lovelife. Well, there are secrets not worth sharing so...

Cathy...heh...quiet ka lang.

Basta!

Rest assured, dude, you'd be the first one to know, along with Mama, Racquel and Ayeen about my sucky lovelife updates. You know the reason and I am so glad I stuck with ya. Mwah.

Mmm...I still don't have a resolutions list...I still need to fill my brain up with the lessons I must study for Monday...I still hate the fact Monday is coming up...I still want to meet up with my cousins in Cebu and have a blast where I really am welcome...I still feel that I am one big question mark though I am positive to have a purpose...I still have to HAVE MY ATM or else hell will break loose...I still have to clean up a few mess in my room...I still have to decide whether I'd buy a curling iron instead of getting a perm...

I still...

I still...must learn how to shut up sometimes.

whaddaheck.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

One last thing...

I now officially added "bitch" to my dictionary-of -accepted -terms -to -say -but -must- be- used -cautiously- only- at- times -needed.

Yes, A CERTAINLY HAPPY NEW YEAR (coz Lesley's a little bit modern).

The days that were...

2004-12-27T11:19:00.000+08:00

As early as now, I've got my new year's resolution up in my dresser's secret corner.

I would like to post it here but since I'm too lazy to remove the secured post-it, maybe some other time.

Since I've not been around to blog due to a very busy schedule...

Dec. 23

Mom and I went shopping in Baclaran! For a thousand bucks, I bought 2 capris, 3 tops and a pair of ballerina shoes. Whoopee! I was really not much of a shopping person but I felt that I needed a very nice reward for a job well done this year so I gave in to the indulgence of the multitude.

Oh yeah...and I'm a cheap girl...in the sense that I would prefer spending my moolahs (Nice term, eh? Got that from reading inquirer's 2bu!) on things that aren't branded yet of the same quality as the ones being sold in malls.

And so what if I'm a bargain person?

The hell if others would know that I've got no famous tag on my shirt or jeans?

I will only live once and if I'd rather spend my time on earth rewarding myself wisely.

No offense to those who are not in my level of clothing preference. Everybody wishes peace on earth. (beauty queen wave)

However, I still haven't bought carmie, chelsea and fhaye presents. Mwahaha...I think I won't even buy for them at all. *wicked*

Dec. 24

Shopped at sm for a pair of red pointed shoes. Mom bought it for me! Yay!
I bought mom a lipstick for Christmas, Mark, a shirt, dad, a polo shirt, and steven, the very first Superman movie starring Christopher Reeve.
-
We watched the cd I gave Steven and Christopher Reeve was a certified eye-candy. Too bad he became paralyzed and died. Such a loss.
-
I curled my hair before the Christmas mass and I finally decided to REALLY get a perm next year. Wehehe... this is from someone who straightened her hair because she's sick of having curls.
-
I greeted Dexter a happy birthday through text. I'm too chicken to call him up.
-
I downed half of the white wine and half of the gin pomelo. Daddy knew I drank it all and he didn't mind. Mom warned me not to indulge too much for it'd make my Gastritis worse.

And I didn't care. Wehe!

Dec. 25

Went to Cavite bringing with me a stupid hangover. It was really not a bad one for I really never get hangovers but since we were on a ride to Cavite, imagine how bad it was...

grr.

I got a purple sleeveless top and a purple purse from my aunt. Now what am I gonna do with the sleeveless top? I quitted the sleeveless penchant a year ago.

Hay.

We were supposed to watch Mano Po in SM Dasma but we all slept instead.

Mom promised to take me to the theater the next day. Wee.

Mark remained in Cavite and I hated it coz I didn't have anyone to punch on and throw things at. Hehe. I missed him. =(

Dec. 26

We watched Mano Po.

Damn...it was horrible.

There's something awfully wrong with Lamangan's direction. I like the first one better even though Kris was on a hypocrite role. She's not worthy to play goodie roles.

I should've watched Happy Together instead. That way, I'd have a field day laughing out loud at Kris' insanity.

Gawd I love to mock that girl.

I treated mom after the movie in Sbarro. Yum...I weaaally love Sbarro. All the yummy grease. Yum yum.

What else?

Over-all, I'm happy. Wee. On the 28th, we'd have a class reunion and my cousins and I would spend the night (and the morning...hehe) at shangrila. Hehe...for sure it'd be another drinking spree.

I wish I'd recieve dollars from auntie letty again for Christmas.

And dang I want an atm NOW.

I don't wanna hold a large amount of money at the moment.

I don't wanna.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Pardon my incoherence. I suck at words right now. :)

Colder Christmas.

2004-12-21T23:10:00.000+08:00

The past week has added a touch of gloom to the season. First,there was the death of celebrated movie icon-turned presidential aspirantFPJ. Then, KC de Venecia, daughter of the House Speaker, died under the rage of the fire that ate up the second floor of their home. Thirdly,the grandson of Dolphy was shot to death. Last, though it doesn't concern the multitude, my mom's blood pressure shot up, which made us bring herto the ER of MMC during the wee hours of last Saturday morning.

Until now, mom is still having seesaw bloodpressures. Rarely does she have anormal bp.

And it kinda scares me.

Mom may not know it but I really, really love her so much.

I will actually sleep beside her tonight to monitor her bp.

Although I know that I must be happy this season, I can't just helpon thinking why no matter how I inject optimism on all of this, the winter wind in the west seems to pour its rage over me. This
Christmas is getting colder and colder as time passes by.
Christmas years ago, especially when I was still young, was memorable.I can't even feel the cold wrath of December for I was happy in the midstof my cousins, playing with them in childish glee.
Well, that won't happen anymore this Christmas for I feel inferior around them.Daddy's older brother and sister despise my mom so much without evena concrete basis to the breeding hatred.
I still do not understand why they act that way. What's even worse is that I feel their hatred surging out even towards me and my brothers. Sometimes,I pretend that they don't exist when I pass them by for the moment I reach out to ask their hand for blessing, I feel that they would want to push me away.

It feels horrible.

Maybe that is why I learned never to anticipate reunions unlike before.I hate today's situation and I hate family reunions. In every step thatmy mom makes, though she doesn't even intend any harm to anyone, theytry their best to step on her in every occasion they'd encounter.
I'm sick of everything that they do and though I try to understand, myheart is too weak to even make room for so much patience. If only timewould permit me, I'd stop and scream at the top of my lungs and lashthem the way they do to mom. I'd scream of their hypocrisy all these yearsand I'd bring out all the things that I've kept against them ever sinceI was young.

But I can't.

I do not want to lash out at them though deep inside I would want to.I do not want to include myself on a fight I'm only partially in.I do not want to hate them for I do not want to see myself in eternalflames when I die.I do not want to hate them for it was taught to me that I must forgive whatever sin they do.

I do not want to be like them.

Having them in the world is enough...

I'd rather choose to be in the happy population than to choose to bein the few who dwell in scornful hate.

May they have a merry Christmas though they can't even realize that allalong they do the wrong. May they have a merry Christmas though they can't even realize that going to masses won't even pay for what they have done.
May they have a very merry Christmas and this I say from the bottom ofmy scarred heart.

Anyway, daddy plans to have the new year in BF. That'd be nice. All peaceand quiet.
I still haven't done Christmas shopping. I plan to go to Glorietta tomorrowalone to shop for mom still doesn't feel well. Also, I'd be having an atm tomorrow too.

Wee!

At least my Christmas has become a little bit warmer. I just hopethat I won't be the only one who would appreciate the season amidst the gloom.A lot may feel melancholic this season due to a lot of tragedies thathad befell our country but may they find the spark in the season.

We all deserve to be happy, anyway.

I mean, c'mon... the season may be colder than usual but as long as one is
alive and breathing, that is enough reason to be thankful to the Lordthat He has bestowed upon us another round of life with a reminder thatwe have been cleansed by His blood.

Yeah...I'm my optimistic self.

On the 28th, I'd be seeing my classmates in HS again. I miss them so much.They're actually few of the people who I trust my life to and I shall neverforget them. My schedule may be too busy for I busy myself too much butI hope that they'd stop and think of my once a while for once in my busylifestyle, I think of them too.

I know that I had placed behind a lot of people due to my personal ambitions and I feel sorry for myself for sometimes restricting myself to call themup and ask them how they are.
I had lost my best cousin once because of my stupidity and I do not want to lose my classmates.

I know Catherine and Lyka are feeling bad that I fail to answer their callssometimes.
I know that Carline feels bad because I also failed to return anengagement due to my stupid memory.
I know that Racquel and mama feel bad toobecause I fail to contact them once in a while.
I know I had actually made a lot of people think that I'm such a stupid friendand I actually failed to be there during the times they needed someone tohang on to.

Dudes, if ever you guys are reading this, allow me to say sorry thatI hadn't made it a point to call up guys up. Deep inside, I still missand love you guys... I just want you to know that I think of you all more often than you may think of. I just am too stupid to make a moveto show I miss ya.

I had done this once to my best cousin and now it hurts to see herwalk the same corridor I walk each day.It hurts that I know what I feel is a one-sided hurt. It hurts coz I know she may not be thinking of me they way I regret thatI had let go of a company I had cherished since I was little.
It hurts so much that the one person who you considered your bestest bestfriend...so much more than all the best friends you had... now cannot even saya civil "hi" to you and pretend that you don't exist. It hurts that thoughyou remembered and gave a card on her latest birthday, writing down how youmiss her company, she failed to even say thank you and greet you on yourbirthday which was two months after hers.

Like I said, I had been stupid.

It will be another three years of regret as I walk the college groundswith her in the distance, maybe even happier than ever compared whenwe were still connected.

It hurts but life's cruel like that...

and you gotta ride with it and be happy of who you are now and whatyour friends are now...may they be the ones you hurt or the ones you shared happy times with.

There are lots of things to be happy for and being alive is one I must smile about.

There is only a few space to complain.

Hodge Podge

2004-12-18T08:04:00.000+08:00

Supposedly for yesterday but was too tired to copy and paste it here...

--------
I do not understand why I easily magnetize jeers. Fatima told me that the reason why my classmates loved linking me with guys I do not crush on was because I never go mad whenever they do so.
And yes, I agree.
I would just say the usual "whatever!" and laugh at the seemingly stupid joke. Sometimes, I'd admit that I feel so affected for all I do is try to maintain the my civility with the guys being linked unfairly to me and then commotion starts.

How uberly nice.

Nah...I really don't give much a damn. It's just that I feel that maybe in the back of the heads of those boys, they really believe that I do crush on them. And hah...when that'd happen and they'd gloat all over, I'm gonna kick their butts.

Heh...as if I can really do that.

Maybe, I'd just subject them to silent torture. Much, much nice, eh?

And so after the almost dying Abriol teasing, they automatically insert Arvin and Mac.
I'm now countering the Abriol teasing by playing the game fairly. Fatima, however, warned me that the guy would maybe gloat at what I'm up to.

Fatima: Lee-an...knowing Abriol...basta kung ako sayo tigilan mo na.
Me: Ang kapal naman ng mukha niya kung iisipin niya yun. Duh, ha!

Hmmm...and I just don't understand why I suddenly became linked to Arvin. Fausto's such a scheming little scoundrel! Argh!!!! At least I know Arvin's just fine with the untrue jeerings. Please, lang ha!
Ah...and here comes the Mac rumor. It all started with Anne finding an outlet to tease me to someone. Unfortunately, she saw Mac. Heh...if I know, she might be the one even crushing on him.

Nyahaha.

Ya should've seen how they made PMSD a festivity of jeers against me. All I did was laugh my ass off the whole period while deep inside I scream of humiliation.

-------
I just noticed... seem to be talking much of boys in my journal, eh? Now I wonder where my feminist self went.
-------
Waaaaaaaaah! Elmo and I were on the SAME trike together yesterday. Waaaah! I was all fuzzy wuzzy weezy! Heh...I didn't talk to him though. Why would I? I'm so unlike Carmie, Ms. Congeniality,who converses with people she hardly even knows. Wierd, wierd girl.
Basta! I'm all fuzzy wuzzy!
On the other hand, Dexter's special day is coming forth and I'm still hesistant to go on with my plan. Hah...and I'd be stupid to reveal it here. With all the prying eyes? Nevermind.
Basta! Fuzzy Wuzzy!

-------
CWTS a while ago was a bore. I was trying to keep my half-shut eyes from fluttering to a close for the professor was infinitely boring. As in B-O-R-I-N-G. Grr. I only had around two hours of sleep this morning coz I had to finish the paper in Socio-Anthro 'til one am then wake up at three-thirty am for the Misa de Gallo that was why I felt all weak during the period.
I thought the instructor would be Mr. Duguob. :(
I miss his Spanish eloquence. :(
-------

I received a cute pink pen stuffed toy from Chelsea and a personalized cd from Carmie a while ago for Christmas. Yeah...and Chelsea really planned to give me something I abhor---a pink something. If the pink something hadn't been a cute bunny wabbit, I won't even connect "cute" to "pink."

Ew.

But of course I was touched. Aww. They're one of those who understand me when I rant nonstop on the way home.
Mae gave me a purple belt instead of the highlighters I wished. Honestly, I reaaally liked her gift for the reason why I asked for highlighters was because I soooo hated the recent events associating me with lost highlighters; I lost two precious newly-bought highlighters, I almost lost Mel's highlighter the next day after my two precious highlighters were lost and that the highlighter I bought right after got destroyed.

Grr highlighters.

Speaking of highlighters, I use two colors now: purple and yellow; purple for the important words and yellow for its definition.

Gah...I'm so obsessed with highlighters.

-------
I also do not understand why people get so affected when I choose to remain silent at some partof the day. They'd get worried and ask me what's up. Since nothing's the matter, I'd just shake my head and explain to them that I just want to shut up for no reason at all.
Maybe it's just surprising to see someone who loves yakking about almost anything all day suddenly shifting into contemplative mode all of a sudden.
Well that's me.
Sometimes, you gotta be silent in order to appreciate the things you normally deem as nonsense.
Sometimes, I really just go quiet because I love the feeling of shutting up and reflecting on things that suddenly come to mind.

...especially when I'm on my way home for I can easily contemplate with the things I see as I lean my head back on the public bus' seat, admiring the normality of the metro each afternoon.

A social girl can also be anti-social sometimes and that's just how I basically am---
a friggin' social anti-social, noisily quiet girl.

Ah the irony.

Darn 5 days.

2004-12-15T08:38:00.000+08:00

Last Monday, I failed to make an impression on the report I had about the Dryopithecus, a specie related to the subject of Evolution, and I hate myself for it. For years since I was in grade school, I always made it a point to present the best I could ever offer for what shall be the use of my gift in gab if I'd hide it beneath the covers?

Nah...I'm not blaming my groupmates. I feel awful for during the weekend, all I did was study the multi-chapter lessons burdened to us last week due to the intrams just to find out that all my efforts went in vain. If I had been a tad responsible, I would have finished everything completely, including the darn report in Socio-Anthropology.

Usually, after I've done a task and the outcome appears, it always seems that part of me regretfully concludes that I could have done better. The phrase "I could have done better if only..." has always been the ending; either that or "congratulations," which I seldom reward myself with.

I dunno... self-accusation?

Anyway, like what I had said, my efforts went in vain. First, I studied so hard in computer only to realize that there wasn't any quiz at all. Second, I diligently read chapters 5-8 of Rizal, even read it during the height of the intramurals, just to find out that the quiz would be moved to next year, with additional chapters at that. There should have been one but due to a democratic outcry of the majority, Mr. Guarin had to move it to January 3. I was actually one who would have wanted it that day but since I was only a mere being who disliked the idea of a burdened Christmas vacation, I decided to shut up and enjoy silent misery in the midst of the "no comment" group. Third, Chemistry lab...wahaha...I really didn't study the subject at all; All I knew was that I've got a four hour break yesterday and thirty minutes was sufficient enough to review my notes. :p Fourth, the darn to the fifth power, Logic. I studied so well, even asking Rox, my good friend since HS in 1A to help me understand the Logical Square, just to find out that Mr. Abreu had been interestingly and surprisingly saccharin nice yesterday and just contented himself to see the agonizing faces of my classmates who were subjected to his logical wrath in recitation. I WAS almost included in the unfortunate batch of those who were forced to answer his queries but GOD was too nice that he called Edz, the girl behind me.

Wahaha.

But really, it aint all wahaha coz IF I HAD DONE MY REPORT WELL THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A RECORD OF A BAD REPORT IN MY LIFETIME.

Anyway, shifting to the crush world, I see Elmo now more often. I saw him twice since Monday in the library and I finally assumed that he is indeed a library person. Though I didn't see him in the jeep line yesterday, it was compensated by the frequent sightings I had of him yesterday. Nyahaha.

But a lot tell me that he acts *gulp* gay-like.

Argh...I dunno. He's just mahinhin lang daw. I think I've gotta trash this crushdom and shift to another prospect. But of course, he still has this "something" that I wouldn't ever explain. His aura perhaps? You see...I could easily feel one's aura and sometimes wickedly judges one by that intuition. Weird but nearly 70% of my feelings are accurate. (I had said that in the last post didn't I? I'm sucker at being a broken record)

NEARLY.

I also learned where he usually ate for lunches thanks to Ice. Ice, alabyu dude. Hehe.

Ah...and let's call my other crush Dexter instead of Spongebob. I shall be reserving Spongebob for one special, ass-kicking crush in the future.

Speaking of Dexter, I didn't get to see him last Sunday in the party of M. Mla YFC. Grrr!!! I was too BUSY studying for stupid lessons that weren't essential to this week at all. If only I had gone.

Mmm...what else?

I know now how to counter teasings---x marks the spot.

Yesterday, instead of complaining in agony with those who tease me with my classmate Mark, I positively played with it. In the first place, it never was true. And if it had been, then maybe I hadn't had the courage to even talk to him whenever he inquires about something and even look at him directly.

Weird but one sign that would confirm that I'm crushing on someone is that my eyes would always AVOID his. I'd get all jittery and shy and would unusually keep quiet when he's around.

And so yes, Lee-an plays with the joke now. All I want is to fade in the background of the new loveteam... Kat and Mark...yihee.

Besides, I aint loveteam material. It sucks being associated with someone you never crushed on, even a hint, in the first place. It's a major sucky ride, really.

It was Mel's birthday and she forgave me for losing her highlighter, which was eventually found in the stairs near classroom 1 where I usually study for lab. These past two days, I had lost 3 highlighters. My purple and yellow highlighter, gone with the wind last Monday when I accidentally left my Rizal book with the two cutesy things I value soooo much inside. Darn the one who got it. Finders keepers aint an excuse.

But yes, it was my stupidity.

*Applause in the background*

About the highlighter of Mel's...I accidentally left it in the stairs because my foot got stuck in it, almost tripping when Elmo passed by.

Darn...my affinity for accidents continue.

Maybe after a few years, is this unfortunate accidents resume, I could write it all down in a book.

Fascinatingly nice.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

2004-12-11T23:16:00.000+08:00

When I said that I won't have a crush in Makati Med...
*mimics Santiago*

I lied...wahahaha!

For I fear the risk of making it widespread, I'll call him Elmo since I lurve Elmo of Sesame Street. Now, since I also am madly in crush with my yfc crush, let's call him Spongebob for I love spongebob more than I love Elmo. Haha...whadda heck. If you really wanna know who they are, you have to hunt for my other secret journal. Since it's secret, I'll be really stupid if I'd reveal, eh?

So about Elmo...

Last Wednesday, during the first day of intrams, I had a field day of watching him from afar. I dunno...I can't seem to come near him nor even look at his face. Whenever I crush on someone, I hardly or really never look at him straight in the eye. I'd rather faint than see him face to face or even talk to him. Haha...good thing he doesn't even know me. You see, he is from the batch after us (hint! hint!) so he definitely doesn't know that I'm crushing on him. Okay...from what I've heard, he's nice, he's super nice, he's super dooper nice. What else? He drinks, which is fine with me since most guys drink. Ah but if he does smoke, sorry...that's the end of my secret watch. And so because of the reliability of friendster, I learned that he's smart, he's diligent in his studies, he's responsible. For some reason, I really get attracted to goodie guys. Maybe it's because I can feel people's auras. Yeah I know I'm one heckuva weird girl. Now during the intrams, while I was watching and sighing from afar, I met a very, very unfortunate accident.

As I transferred to a step lower in the east wing bleachers, and as I reached for my Rizal book (yeah...yeah KJ as it sounds, I was studying during the intramurals. Hah...what do you expect me to do? Watch the games which wouldn't benefit me of getting good grades the week after? I'd rather get absorbed in reading a book than cheer for guys I hardly know. Besides, if my crush was a player, of course I'd cheer. But nah...he wasn't so hell I care? But of course I still watch when my batchmates play. I don't feel bad about the minor games thingy anymore and I don't wanna type a long rant about something I've forgotten. Pretty long for an excerpt...wahaha) and as I faced front to glance at the bleachers were he sat...

I tripped and my left foot twisted.

Man, just because of the darn Rizal book which I brought for I had to read chapters 5-8 and just because of my crush...

I had to limp on my way home while the other strangers looked weirdly and laughed at me.
Stupid imbeciles.

Just because of my crush eh?

Oh well, he was worth the accident. Wahaha.

And so even though I wasn't a player, I had to endure a hurting ankle for two days. The night when that happened, my mom rushed me to Mang Kulas, the manghihilot. I really never had faith in manghihilots for the last time I went there was when I had a fracture and he made it worse. But when I went to Mang Kulas and let him touch my ankle, it became okay, thank goodness. What I won't forget about that, however, was that when he was working his healing hands on my ankle, I was clinging on to mom, my right foot kicking the chair in front of me, and shouting at the top of my lungs for the pain was unbearable. I swear! Mark told me that I sounded like a pig being butchered and that while I was shouting like a crybaby, a lot of curious (haaay...Filipinos...they love nosing around) people went out to see the commotion (if you call that a commotion) I caused. It was shameful but if others were also in my position, they may do something stupider than what I did.

Mom drove speedily home and the humps on the road made me foot feel worse everytime the car bumped into them. The reason why mom was going more than her usual 40 kph was because of Lovers in Paris. And speaking of Lovers in Paris, I uber love that show. ABS-CBN does know how to introduce a trend. I bet GMA will follow suit AS USUAL. I absolutely love Carlo. Wahahaha...he's a cutie.

Like my crush, Elmo, Carlo looks serious yet goofy. Wahaha.
Going back to Elmo, the day after, since I wasn't able to walk well, mom brought me to Makati Coliseum for the second day of the intrams. I saw him again that day. Wee! My classmates, however, teased me the whole day for my stupidity. Cristi, who called me up using my sun number (sun...my savior), told me that God was giving me a valuable lesson: TANTANAN KO NA DAW NG TINGIN ANG MGA BOYLETS KO. Aww c'mon...I only look at them from a distance!!! The usual happened, I looked at him from afar and while he was out of sight, I attended to the chapter 6 of Rizal. During that day too, Chelsea, a very good friend of mine who teams up with Fatima to tease me all the way home while we are together, won MVP for volleyball. Hah! If Chels wasn't placed last minute, they may not have won as champion in volleyball. I was disappointed too of the cheering results. I reaaally like the Juniors' and the Seniors' (choreo by the Salinggawi) presentations. The Sophies won because of synchronization. Stupid judges...they only judged because of that. THEY CAN'T EVEN PRESENT THE SCORE SHEET! Stupidity to the fifth power.

Mmm...that day, my foot was kinda okay and I was able to walk a little bit so mom didn't bother to fetch me. Good thing...wahaha...coz I saw Elmo again in the trike station lining up with Fatima and me. Ate Fats was with them, though and Fatima gave a hole that almost revealed his identity. I was talking to Ate Fatima all the while, not looking at him til the trike signaled us to take our ride. Good thing they weren't with our team coz if they were, I should have fainted due to severe palpitation. He saw where I lived though coz the trike he rode was near behind us.

*sigh*

I weaaaaaally love my life.

About Spongebob, I wouldn't be able to see him tomorrow in the Praisefest for I haven't studied completely for the quizzes I'll have next week. Since last week was intrams and next week will be the last for December, the professors harshly rushed us into reading a lot of chapters.

Grr...stupid intrams.

I miss seeing Spongebob. I reaaally do.

About the school paper, I already e-mailed everything to KV. Dad finally trusts me again. But of course, I still won’t regularly update. He may find a way again to ground me. The school paper is quite disorganized and I pity KV that she’s got some editors who hardly care. I had been a little bit irresponsible, I know, but I am doing my best...God knows. If I had PC connection, I would've submitted the articles on time. *Sigh*

Maybe next year, I'd resign. I am stressing myself out. I mean, I love writing but if my sked won't permit me, I don't have anything to do but quit.

My writer blood will still remain...I may still join as a member of the staff and not as editor.

Oh well...as of this moment, my family is watching Pacquiao's victory.

It's good being pinoy!

Ah and why the title fuzzy wuzzy? Coz fuzzy wuzzy is the term I use instead of "kilig."

FUZZY WUZZY!

Stupid.

2004-12-02T17:05:00.000+08:00

I made this very long entry and the connection suddenly died on me when I clicked the post button.

Stupid.

Anyway, during the past weeks I was offline, I lot had happened; It was as if i had been stuck in a big, big whirlwind until the thought of neglecting my online shoutout of my boring life dawned on me.

So here I am, typing my life away while my 'rents are out. Dad still seems a bit hesitant to trust me to use to the PC again. The Dell's okay and the PC I'm using now has still a minor error attached to it. You see, when you want to use this PC, you gotta plug it on the AVR, wait for eternity til you hear a beep and then you're off to the online world. The power supply is still working semi-okay and my files are still intact. Problem is I still feel that I am barred from usage that's why I had been neglecting my paper works for the school organ.

Speaking of school organ, the first one went out already after an eternity's wait. A lot gave quite good feedbacks and we were personally congratulated by the vice-president of Makati Med.

w00tage.

What else had been happening?

First, I've broken a vow never to have a crush in Makati Med. I just don't know why I feel so warm when he's around; it's as if there's this connection waiting to be tapped. Last sem, when I shared a library table with him to completely concentrate on my Philo notes, I dismissed the tiny spark that I felt when he smiled and urged me on to study well. Then just three days ago, when I shared public transpo with him and silently wished that he'd be with Fatima and me walking to school, I felt it again; this time, attending to the feeling.

Man, it's so hard having a new prospect.

And then just a while ago, while I checked my mail, he invited me to join his online friends' list. Waaaah....I feel so special for I was among the first ones he invited. And guess what...? Only a few yfc people were invited and I was inlcuded in the personal invi. Wahaha...I'm loving my life right now although the official lovelife state of mine's still bleak.

I went to Dra. Lao a while ago for another check-up. All my tests---ecg, tsh, blood test, t3---were normal and according to her, I'm vastly improving! She concluded that I was having severe heart burns and that all is rooted at my gastritis. She gave me meds and hopefully, I'll be well within four weeks provided that I adhere to her restrictions of chocolates, milk, meat and softdrinks.

No chocolates? Man...

My grades are shooting up.

Wee.

Mom also got the thirteen thousand from my 50% last Thursday. We're actually making both ends meet right now and the money helped a lot in paying for bills. Since the cost of living nowadays is comparatively higher than before, when dad revealed to me his plans of going to Iraq, thought twice upon hearing that he badly wants to go.

I lift it all to God. If this is for the best, then so be it.

I, however, will continue to study well so that one day, I'd be the one to do the work. I'm going to bring my family away from this stupid compound where people around do nothing but bash my family without looking at how evil their faces are. If it weren't for my dad's goodness to give them satisfaction of almost USING our business for their own gains, he wouldn't have to leave and my family will be okay.

I still believe in Karma. It's up to God to bring judgement to their evil deeds. As for me, I'm going to work harder so that I'd let them all see that we are better off than them. Pretty selfish for someone like me who is overzealously religious but that's the only way I can show them were not people they usually step on.

They're just jealous that we've got a good family and that I and my brothers are far better kids than theirs who seldom think of their 'rents and selfishly think of their own lives.

Anyway, I gotta go for the storm is raging outside and I fear that another possible power failure might bring this PC to complete doom.

Tata.

**Please pray for the victims and would-be victims of the storm. May God bless us all.

PCless.

2004-11-18T16:05:00.000+08:00

Guess where I'm at?

A computer shop. How nice.

The reason why I failed to update is because our two computers are dead. Well, the PC's power supply went kaput weeks ago...had I mentioned? I was editing something for the paper and the power went out. Since Dad didn't connect it to the AVR, the power supply went beserk. Aint my fault but I ended up eating the blame.

One down.

The new DELL laptop Tito Jun gave my dad also broke down due to a virus. Mark last used it and since both of us were using it to log onto the net, neither was to blame. Dad really got mad for sure. It was worth a hundred fifty thousand bucks and it went amok...

How cute.

And so Lesley is stuck here wastin' precious money while the unlimited access at home is barred from her. Dad can't seem to trust me anymore.

*sigh*

This week is a blast. Aside from getting uber high grades in quizzes as the start of the semester, I'm out of the intrigue lane. Yahoo. My classmates seem to notice my sincerity on not having a crush in class. Well, I certainly do not have one. I mean c'mon...sino? They're all nice but hey...you gotta feel that spark, eh? And lucky me, I didn't. That's good considering guys are such a distraction *feminist mode na....alarm!!!*

Mom secured a deal with Tita Sarah. She promised me that she'd buy me a cd player.

Woot.

That's besides the two thousand bucks from my dad.

Double woot.

I was about to watch Santa Santita with D.A, Carms, Jet and Ice today yet Arvin and Mark didn't show up. Too bad...I love Guillen's directing skills. I gotta criticize this movie or I'll be stuck in insanity land.

6 minutes more before net cutoff...

I gotta run.

Musings.

2004-11-13T19:34:00.000+08:00

On my illness, I consulted Dra. Lao, an alternative med doctor who specializes on German pre-biotics. Since she could only accomodate me 7 am of last Friday, I had to skip P.E and take up the PMSD and CWTS instead. I was a bit skeptical upon entering her clinic for I had a little faith on her specialization. Mom assured me, however, that it would turn out okay coz she, herself, experienced its wonders after she was cured of Psoriasis. The nurse asked me to lie down and remove metallic things I was wearing that time; she said that it'd interfere with the detection process. Using a pointing gadget and the computer, she was able to know my physical condition by only pointing the device on certain areas on my hands and feet.

Amazing how alternative med works.

Dra. Lao then proceeded to look over at the results and without even me telling what my concern was, she was able to rank my concerns in order of difficulty. Although the results were only sheer possibilities, I automatically gained faith in the system. I may not have obtained the results of my ECG and lab tests but I'm sure whatever it is, I'd be cured. God works wonders.

The heart and liver were the affected areas. My stomach's high acid secretion and my intestines' weakness due to the accumulated toxins in between the intestinal villi were the cause of my chest pains. It all started in the liver and as years passed, it elevated to the heart. There is still no concrete diagnosis on this matter and whatever it is, I'm partly scared.

Scared because I fear the possible consequence called death and a bit okay because I know there's a cure.

Call me paranoid...that's just me.

Anyway, the dean's listers' names are already posted.

Guess what?

I'm top 4.

w00t.

I guess my health became the price of my overzealous study habits. A lot of people suggest that I must rest. No matter how much I'd like to, I can't seem to. I dunno why but I can't. All I do now to help myself is that I sleep from 9pm-3pm, the suggested hours of sleep according to my bodily needs. You see, the heart and the liver release toxins between those hours. Since those are my areas of concern, I have to sleep at those times. Ah, and I'm also adopting the less meat, no fast food, no iced tea, no coffee, no chocolates (damn!), more sleep, more veggies, more fruits, 6 glasses water a day diet. A while ago, I had oatmeal and bananas for breakfast, sweet and sour fish c/o Chowking and pineapple juice for lunch and for dinner...I'm still not sure.

Oh goodness.

I subjected my feet to long walks a while ago. Mom and I hunted for second hand books in Recto. You see, I hate using 'em for a semester and then discarding it in the library (here at home) right after. Buying new ones is such a waste of money.

This is the taste of College. Bitter and stressful.

Afterwards, we went to Baclaran via the LRT to buy a Sacred Heart statue for Tito Jun. His house shall be blessed tomorrow so we hunted for a gift that will remind them that amidst the chaotic life in the Middle East where they live, there is a God who cares. With all the money they have, Dad said that it is but a must to remind them to once in a while thank the Provider for everything.

Speaking of Dad, he still wants to go to Iraq. Mom revealed that an offer of ten thousand US dollars a month is at stake.

And I hate the idea of my dad leaving.

Iraq is still in chaos. Besides, I'm taking up Nursing to give them a good life. If he'd leave, I'd be in misery. While I study and I see my dad growing old each day, I become stronger. Though he's really not close to me, I love him with all my heart. He may have hurt me a lot of times because of his decisions but his wisdom taught me valuable lessons that I cannot obtain from anyone else.

One time, when I visited Tito Jun in Makati Med during his confinement last week, he told me:

"Anak, halika. Pag-usapan natin yung journalism experience mo. Sabi ng dad mo ang galing galing mo magsulat."

Dad actually talks about me in front of his compadres?

It was a big shock really. All along I thought that it was only mom who chattered to complete strangers and newly met people about my achievements. I didn't know that Dad is actually proud of my school paper works! Actually, he even told me to quit many times for it won't do me good.

That night, I smiled as I drifted off to sleep. I told mom that I was overjoyed upon hearing that dad was bragging me to Tito Jun. And you know what she told me that almost made me cry?

Mom: Kahit tahimik yan dad mo at akala mo wala siyang pakialam pag nakakakuha ka ng mataas, proud yan sayo. Di ko lang nasasabi kasi all along akala ko alam mo na.

Man, I'm lovin' my life now.

Anyway, I gotta rush...I'm excited to baptize my newly obtained books.

BTW, I vowed to mom that I'd get a higher grade this sem. I could have done better. Although I'm quite happy of clinching the 4th spot, I still feel that it wasn't my best. If I'd be goin' to UST, my grades must be impressive.

UST? Nah...that's another story. I may or may NOT transfer. Hehe...what can I do? I've got everything in life, I'd just give my dream school a second shot. Who knows what challenges await?

Drama.

2004-11-10T22:57:00.000+08:00

Classes started last Monday and since I am such a very busy person, I failed to update this blog. But there's another reason (and this time...i'm not rationalizing). The lovely PC of mine crashed sometime last Saturday. Daddy forgot the importance of an AVR (and stupid me also did) that's why when the power went off and on and off and on again due to a massive brownout in Betterliving for a reason hell I care about, the power supply went kaput. There goes another 4000 down the drain.

Yeehaw.

At the time I needed the PC the most, that was the time when it failed me. I was like... "Lord...bakit ngayon? Ngayon pa?"

I was editing the articles passed to me that night when the brownout occurred. What was stupider was that MY OWN FILES WEREN'T SAVED IN THE DISKETTE. All of them were in the damned PC.
I actually did FIVE wonderful articles, including a short story which satisfied me for the first time after I quit writing 'em three years ago.

And since deadline was Monday, I had to plead to my editor to give me an extension. It wasn't my fault anyway that the PC went kaput. Well partly, yes, but hey...I told you I was insane. I did warn you guys, eh?

I actually felt bad last Monday coz I felt that I needed to quit the paper. I think I actually must. Aside from the fact that it's hard pushin' people to submit and force 'em not to go waaay past the deadline, I just recently knew that I had to deal with my health.

Yesterday, I had a terrible attack of an illness that I had dismissed as a simple angina pectoris.

I went to the Cardio a while ago and I shall take a few tests tomorrow for the thyroid, blood and the heart.

Yesterday's attack was so scary that I even bargained with the Lord not to let me die from it yet. Yesterday morning, my chest area was in deep, deep pain. Imagine being stabbed a hundred times by a very sharp knife and as you try to scream, you fail because a word you utter equals one deep stab.

I wasn't breathing.

I can't.

Everytime I had that attack, I fail to breathe. With every breath, there comes pain. Twice than what I was feeling.

I wasn't moving.

I can't.

And I'm not joking this time.

What's worse is that I cannot do anything to stop it. I just wait for the time it becomes all normal again.

It's scary coz you won't know if you can EVER breathe again.

And I still don't want to die.

The reason why I took Nursing and trashed my course was, first and foremost, to help my family. I have a thousand dreams for them. I want my brothers to study in first class schools, I want to help mom and dad pay their schooling, I want to expand our business and move out of this house coz I can't stand seeing my relatives next door stab us constantly without us doing any harm, I want to build a house somewhere and permanently reside there...never to appear before my relatives...forget that they exist, I want to pursue law with my own money...I want to do a lot.

And God knows I still want to live because I want everyone to know Him. I want to be part of His plan.

When I struggled for almost five minutes for air, all I thought was..."God...paano na pamilya ko? Paano na sila? Si Steven? Si Mark?"

I know that I'm a bit exagerrating but it can happen anytime soon and I don't want to wait for the day that I'll find myself unable to fight an unknown condition.

I still don't know what this is. It may be thyroid related for I have hyperthyroidism or goiter. It may be a heart problem. My Cardio even said, it might be a neural problem.

I'm scared and I'm crying right now.

I'm crying because I feel so alone in this struggle. Sure, my family helps but my classmates...hell they care. They barely know who I am. I do not even have a permanent friend in college. Yes, they are nice and all but they are still distant. I still don't feel into them.

I'm crying because I feel so alone and I wish I could tell my highschool classmates and my bestfriend Jessa about this.

Whoever reads this, please pary for me.

I'm scared.

I still have dreams.

I don't want to wake up defeated.

I'm so alone.

Maybe...

2004-11-03T11:24:00.000+08:00

...I won't update in the next few days. Our business has opened and I'm just sneakin' to post while my 'rents are on the other compound. We've got only one telephone line so that means that if I'd post, it must be done in school.

Sucky.

I'll make this post quick, however. I don't wanna risk getting caught and being barred online forever.

Waah.

I'm gonna go to Makati Med later to avail of the scholarship. Tomorrow, I've got a staff meeting (and I've not yet done any article yet). On Friday, I'd be meeting up with the rest of my class for enrollment. And finally on Monday...CLASSES!

w00t.

Oh and I think Bush will win though I soooooooo hate him winning the US race.

But I still have faith in Kerry.

I'm a democrat by heart. (err...yeah.)

Last...

I just knew from Ayn that Lyka is auditioning to be a ramp model.

Lucky girl.

Umph. Incoherence.

2004-11-02T11:43:00.000+08:00

Went to Cavite yesterday. Met up with relatives. Too absorbed in LOTR to talk to anyone. Nah, not hate.

I'm hungry. Haven't taken breakfast.

Bored. Just knew that ILC will not be in PALAWAN (whadda...)
but in SUBIC. Meaning...no more thrift spending. Foodtrip galore next sem.

Next sem starts next week. Ultimate W00tag3! Can't wait to study!

Haven't done articles for school paper. Delinquent girl I am. Nobody submitted so far. Delinquent creatures they are.

Haven't done script for Zobel-Sb2 play. Mind's overworked. Must be done.

Watched 13 going on 30. Loved it to death. Hey, I also loved Spidey2 to death...werd.

Missin' my high school classmates. Hatin' a part of me unconsciously. Missin' I-B but not as extreme as 4B Class '04. Missin' my high school trippings.

Missin' my brother, Mark, who slept in Cavite. No kulot boy to grab hair as an uber sweet greeting. Family's out...how surprising.

Incoherence rocks my socks. Maybe not all the time, but yes.

whadda heck!

Gotta be normal. School will make ME normal.

Prevailing Insanity.

Help me.

Shameful Creatures.

2004-10-31T17:52:00.000+08:00

Though I never, ever dreamt to take Nursing as a course, and though I felt a bit remorseful for failing to grab the UP opportunity, I got offended when I saw skimpily dressed women in white on t.v, parading the sacred Nursing cap.

Disgraceful, shameful, imbecile creatures.

They claim to wear the cap to show people that they can render "extra loving care."

Extra loving care my .... (I'm still a good girl, mom)

Really, they deserve to take speech classes and know the meaning of what they blurted out on Nationwide T.V against the *other* group of disgraceful creatures---"mga walang breeding."

Mga walang breeding my.... (uhuh...ya don't believe me do you?)

Enough of the rantage.

This is what you get when you feel bored on a lousy Sunday afternoon during a lousy (to the fourth power) sembreak.

I lied...

2004-10-31T14:58:00.000+08:00

...when I said that I had no crush.
I think KC's right...what I felt for "ideal guy"
wasn't sheer admiration.

I've got a huge crush on him.

Sometimes, I do not understand myself. It's as if I thrive in two
different personalities.

Maybe I really am neurotic...

psychotic even.

I should quickly see a psychologist...seriously.

Lately, I'm in a state of confusion. What's even worse is that I fail to remember previous events; events that had occurred hours ago and 2 days before.

Mom said that if I'd not exercise myself to store important details to long term memory, I may have Alzheimer's when I grow old. >.<

How cute.

I think I study too much like what other people suggest of me.

I do think I'm going nuts.

People in high school compare me to Miriam Defensor Santiago for they claim that I talk like her and I think like her. (man of all people...)

I think I am insane.

Course card...

2004-10-29T16:35:00.000+08:00

Finally after a long wait, I've got my course card.
And since I'm the twin of Narcissus...

Click to see card.

I'm a tad happy that my P.E grade went up. I've waited so long for that to happen ever since I studied Nursery. Yet still, I can't still seem to find out why P.E refuses me to get a hold of a 1.0 flat or a 1.25.

Argh...everybody gets perfect in P.E!!!

Anyway, I'm glad I stayed put in Philo. Wahaha.

Filipino really sucks big time. I don't even know why I need to study pagbasa and pagsulat and memorize a lot of short-term-memory-worthy words.

Nakakawindang.

Argh.

I went to Makati Med with Mark today and my foot awfully hurts this very moment. Sometimes, I don't really trust Mom with her fashion likings.
HER SHOES MAKES MY TOES HURT.
She actually wants me to wear high heeled shoes coz they make me look "dalaga."

Mom: Kaya wala ka pang boyfriend eh... pati lakad mo sakang.
Me: Boys actually look at shoes? They don't mom and I don't care.
Mom: Wag mo sabihin na magmamadre ka nanaman...
Me: Just let me wear what I want.

In the end, I adhered. Haaay....mga nanay talaga. She should be happy I don't take much interest on guys. Mommy's really the opposite of the typical mom. Maybe one day, if I do get a boyfriend, she'd throw a party

...in a hotel
...and announce her joy on a billboard.

Sheesh.

I even remembered when some guy was bugging me by calling nonstop before.

Me: Sabihin mo tulog
Mom: ANO? Sagutin mo. (wink)
Me: Ayaw!
Mom: I won't get mad...just talk to him.
Me: Ayaw...no time... a quiz tomorrow...gotta read....tulog.

Sheesh (squared).

Enough of mommy rant.
----

I actually ate an all veggie meal in G4 Food Choices a while ago. I actually.....like the curry....

Darn, I hate myself for telling a lie.

In truth, I hated the whole meal.

----

I'm chatting with KC in YM! at the moment and boy is she soooooooo crazy to find her mysterious super crush that she saw in Woodstruck. Man, it's hard to hunt for people especially when you don't even have a name to begin with.

Answer her prayers, Lord, or I'm dead.

----

I still have to tend to my aching foot and the new wound I got from hugging my brother, Steven, without knowing he's holding an ultra sharp pencil.
Ouch, diba?
Ah and I just got 2000 pesos from Daddy for a job well done last sem.

Dad: Taasan mo na lang ng konti...may kotse ka na.

w00t. I love my life.

finished at last.

2004-10-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

I'm finally done with the entire layout. Hallelujah. Check it out guys...

I went with Mom to Makati this afternoon to fetch my brother and to get a hold of
my course card. We first dropped off Carline in Caltex before heading off to
Don Bosco. Carline and I had a little chitchat; the details of which I cannot speak of.

Ayeen, you know God loves ya.
Count me in too.
We'd be together in the bleachers, cheering on for you.

Anyway, while we were on the road, as usual, Mom and I talked about things that automatically
come by and make us switch to ponder mode. I relayed to her how depressed I was after watching Special Assignment last night. The docu show flashed images of hungry people around the Phil. I couldn't help but hold my breath and squirm at seeing such painful images of reality.
As we passed by Magallanes, Mom even commented that the houses along the riles must have long been demolished and the government must have relocated them to another place. I thought otherwise, however. I think that if people will just be aware of GK777, then
a lot of poor people would be given good lives in new communities.
Sadly, not a lot are aware.

When we reached Bosco, I jumped out of the car and dashed to the lobby. I was too excited to get my course card, eh. So when I waited in near the guard and saw my bro, Mark, comin', I waved at him to hurry up. From afar, I thought he was in badtrip mode coz he never sped up. Then at three feet apart, he looked shocked at grabbed my hair clip. Turned out that my hairdo wasn't sooooo "me" that he failed to recognize me. Plus, I was wearing my new WOODSTRUCK shirt so...there.

We went straight to Makati Med to finally ease my anxiety. Hah...didn't get my card. Forgot my I.d. Such stupidity. Now I'd have to bear another sleepless night tonight.

Weh...that's it for now. Til classes start, this life would be absolutley boring. Two weeks more...

Two weeks...

Boring day...sembreak sucks.

2004-10-26T19:49:00.000+08:00

I thought that I'd be having the time of my life once school is over.

Dead wrong.

I miss sitting in class and studying hard for an exam.
I miss bumming around Ayala during breaks.
I miss hating my uniform.
I miss loving my insanity.
I miss hating the telephone ring
and the t.v roaring loud.

Such a crazy mind I have.
--------

While watching t.v a while ago, I suddenly
switched into reflective mode.

Lately, it seems that I had been to busy that I
didn't even have the time to call up
and check up on the lives of my friends.
I had been too time-wise that I
forgot to squeeze in time to even look at myself
in the mirror and notice the bags under my eyes.
Due to my selfishness, I think I have hurt people.
Due to my over busy schedule (which I always
shove as an excuse to friends who call up), I feel
that they are slowly drifting away from me.

I feel that I am slowly drifting away from the world.

I seriously must do something but...

at this point, I don't even know
how to start.

So much of reflection.

I think I'm going nuts.

Epiphanies...

2004-10-25T07:25:00.000+08:00

Uno
---
Woodstruck 2004 was a blast! Nah, it wasn't because of Parokya ni Edgar (although seeing Chito Miranda sing was a big, big bonus) or because I saw... wahaha...nevermind (i might squeal without any reason at all) but because I witnessed a big revival. I had always waited for the day that I would see a lot of peoplerealize that it aint boring to be holy; that being with the Lord in Youth forChrist is a whole lotta fun. I had seen in the eyes of a lot of peoplethe surprise that YFC wasn't what they perceived it to be. Before, whenever I'dinvite peeps to YFC events, alarms go beserk and flashes of seeminglyboring people raising up their hands, closing their eyes and singing praise songsautomatically come to mind. A lot of people think that YFC is an org thatserves as an outlet to people who would wanna find the love of their lives,an org of hypocrites and an org of people who find forbidden freedom becauseof the very reason they aren't legal enough to go out of the house.

They're dead wrong.

You should've seen the curious people who stopped andconfusingly watched how we partied. I bet they were amazed at how a religious gathering of the youth can go wild! Wild, i mean for a good cause.Parokya ni Edgar and the FREE (i repeat...free) food and stuff were not the nucleus of the whole event but it was the conversion of non-yfcs from dust togold. I've heard that after Woddstruck, a lot would want to joinYFC in the summer. Our org is ever growing and I am completely faithfulthat we'd achieve our goal---3 years of conversion in Manila and 10 years the world.
Up to the very moment I write this, I'm still in emotional high; I'm still inthe state of unexplained happiness. This feeling is what I usually feel afterEVERY YFC gathering. To preserve this ecstacy, I dashed for the confessionala while ago. I surrendered my all to God--my hurt, my pain, my inhibited guilt and anger.
I want more.

Next stop, ILC Palawan.Next mission: YFC High School Based in Sacred Heart and Immaculate.

With all this, may God be praised!

--------------------------------

Dos
---

When I opened my friendster account a while ago, I saw an alert for a new testimonial.I clicked the link and eventually found out that Sarah, my classmate in Makati Medmade me a testimonial.
I learned that she found it quite funny that I was talking to myself during a test.
Waaaaaaaah? That was how I looked?
I do admit that there are LOTS of times that I seemed stupid by talking to myself whileI review. I mean, I do that to really remember the facts but talk to myself during an exam?
Waaaaaaaaah! If this is just a wierd case of forgetting then I'd slap my face more than a hundredtimes, but if I had unconsciously done that...

Whappak.

Well, that's who I am. I am proud of being a unique creature. After all,I'm God's design. I am proud that I am an extraordinarily boring person whowould rather chill, watch t.v or read a good book and bum in the house thanspend moolahs in malls, shopping for clothes that would only dust in my closet,for cds that would eventually become untouched due to my hectic schedule, foraccessories that may rot in the closet due to the fact that I usually preferdressing down than showing of the latest fashion trend (that changes so quicklyas I change moods). Don't get me wrong...I'm not bashing people who do quite the oppositeof what I do. It's just that I don't see myself doing those stuff. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.I may shop once in a while but I don't go to much. Shopping as a hobby scaresme. It's just not so me.
I'm also proud of loving studying and spending most of my time reading books.It may seem like a very geeky attitude but...hell I care. wahaha.I'm also proud of hating pink while a lot of people of my sex drool over it.I'm proud of being a Jesus freak when a lot find it boring and pointless.I'm proud of loving my family at the expense of my dreams.

I dunno...I just do.

Most of all, I'm proud that I am a less materialistic person. The only earthly material I am quite fond of is a book. I'd die for books. Besides that, there's nothin else.

See, toldya I'm wierd.
Oh and boy do I love that.

---------------------------

Tres
----

Here's a convo in ym between roxanne and me:
roxanne_vizmonte: sino pa pwede?

les_hiiragizawa: ano ba yan!

les_hiiragizawa: hehe

les_hiiragizawa: mmm...si (name censored to avoid pointless jeering)? wahaha

roxanne_vizmonte: game

roxanne_vizmonte: bakit ka ba ____ ng ______?????

roxanne_vizmonte: uyyyyyyy

roxanne_vizmonte: crush mo noh

roxanne_vizmonte: hehehe

les_hiiragizawa: NYE!

les_hiiragizawa: one big.... nye

les_hiiragizawa: hehe

les_hiiragizawa: hindi noh.......inaasar lng kita dun

les_hiiragizawa: hehe

roxanne_vizmonte: wag ka na

roxanne_vizmonte: ur d one who likes him

les_hiiragizawa: hay...i'm warnin ya...don't spark an intrigue involving me with
ANYONE sa makati med....

les_hiiragizawa: hehe

les_hiiragizawa: got no time to even glance at guys :p

roxanne_vizmonte: wala si khacey_19@yahoo eh

roxanne_vizmonte: boring ng luv life mo

roxanne_vizmonte: uy online si sha

les_hiiragizawa: nye

les_hiiragizawa: oo nga....

les_hiiragizawa: haha boring's better than bitter

And then...I realized I don't have a lovelife. When everybodydrools over guys they like, I care less. Oh and I don't hate guys cozI'm a feminist...I just don't have time to even crush on them.Of course, there are occasional "wahh...cute siya!" and "sobrang bait niya"but the long-term "mahal ko siyaaaa! waaah!" ....nah.
I'm not sourgraping or whatever. I just pay less attention to my boring lovelife.
I may have "ideal guy" personified but he aint a crush or even someone I go head over heels for.He's someone I wish I could have but so sure I may not. Haha...absurd don't ya think?I repeat...he aint a crush. I just admire how he manages his sked for service, school, friends and family.

Haaay...galing diba?

I am in no way hoping he'd like me...I just wish that guys would be like him so that girls won't have a problem crying over spilled soiled soy milk.

Or cow's milk.

Whatever.

Sige na...you might be thinking he's a crush.
You're entitled to generalize I do crush on him but...
really...I'm too wierd to be understood.

AT LEAST, I'm not bitter at not having a lovelife. I know a few whoare DYING to have one...as if the guys are going zero.

Boring is betterthan bitter.

-----------------------

Quatro
------

Ang haba diba? Wala lang...naisip ko lang na...
Ang labo ko pala.
Sobrang philosophical ang isip ko.
I just hope you guys understand me inspite of my wierdness.
After all...wierd is cool.
Therefore, If I'm wierd, I'm cool in equality.
Whatever, really.

Firsts posts always suck.

2004-10-20T19:24:00.000+08:00

A year ago, when I left my blogging skills on my brain closet for future use, I thought I could recover it so easily.

I was damn wrong.

It took me almost a day and a half to make this layout from a scratch and I'm not even done with the other info I must code.

Grr.

During the first week of the sem break, I've done nothing but read books, help in the chores (which I despise soooo much), argue with mom, watch t.v and bum around like there's no tomorrow. Pretty cool aint it? *sarcasm*

Thank heavens for YFC! Tomorrow, I'd be goin to Megamall to attend the very first Woodstruck--a conference together with non-yfcs. I'm gonna watch PAROKYA! Waaaah I'm gonna see Chito Miranda!! I saw a glimpse of him last week in SM when they had a mall tour. Boy were the crowds wild. To see Chito, I had to push myself through a lot of onlookers. Wahaha...anything for the sake of fandom!

Anyway, I got my course outline for the next sem a few days ago. I will still have the dreaded P.E, which will (i predict) pull me down again for the nth time and the nonsense PMSD. I'll soon to love Rizal, Biochem, Socio Anthro and Logic. Weee. We'd have speeches for Eng2! Wahaha! I'd have to use my extempo tongue again...ahem...ahem.

That's it for now, I'd still write articles for the paper and accompany mom to the grocery. I'm gonna whip a Fettucine carbonara for tonight's CFC meeting.

*proceeds to juggle with the knife and the skillet*